My Birthday

Mood: Happy :) 

Weather: Winter in NY

I am officially 20 years old and no longer a teenager.  As the years pass, my birthdays are meaning less and becoming less significant.  Perhaps I'll feel differently next year ;)  I'm not sure if I had mentioned this on here before, but CJ's birthday was the day before mine and he is now 22.  I made my first meatloaf for his birthday and it came out great :)  We spent the weekend with our friends and family and its been great :) 

Jessie's 21st Birthday

I'm a little late posting about this, seeing as her birthday was on January 4th, but I didn't know what to say.  Cj, Cyndi, and I went to the cemetery, like I normally do, to celebrate her birthday.  We were only there a few minutes before another car pulled up behind us. . .and it was her mother.  I hadn't seen Lori since the funeral, and had only spoken to her maybe twice since.  It was awkward.  I was embarrassed.  There were so many things I wanted to say, but couldn't.  I didn't know what to say or do, so we just left.  I hugged her and said hello, but that was all I could really manage.  It was painful, though I'm not completely sure why.  Perhaps it just stirred up some old feelings.  I haven't posted about this yet because I still don't know what to say other than it was an awkward and painful experience that I wish I could go back and redo.
I can't believe Jessie would have been 21. . .in my memory she will always be 16.  I wish she was still here for us to celebrate our birthdays' together like we did when we were little.  I miss you Jess.  RIP. 1/4/91-11/06/07

My Birthday

So today is my 19th birthday. . .wow. . .I honestly never thought I would make it to 16 much less 19.  I think I'm starting to get to the point where birthdays aren't really that big of a deal anymore, they're just another day.  Honestly its all pretty much down hill from here for me because 18 was probably the best year of my life and now the only birthday I have to look forward to is 21 and by the time i'm 21 drinking won't be fun anymore lol.  Oh well, happy birthday to me. . .another year older and another year closer to needing a face lift haha :)

Happy Birthday Jessie

So today would have been Jessie's 20th birthday.  For those of you that haven't been reading my blog for very long, Jessie is my cousin and she passed away November 6, 2007 in a car accident.  We were very close and her death has had a HUGE impact on my life. . .I go to the cemetary twice a year: November 6th and January 4th.  This year. . .I almost forgot her birthday.  I remember thinking about it towards the end of december, but somehow it slipped my mind until last night.  I started bawling when I remembered because I hated myself for nearly forgetting.  I am petrified of forgetting her. . .I guess I still haven't let go and I'm not sure I ever will or if I even can.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and remember her. . .not a day goes by that it still doesn't hurt.  There are still days that I cry when I think of her and when it hurts so bad I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning.  I'm not sure its ever going to be REALLY okay. . .but I'm not even sure I would ever want it to be.  I don't want to forget her.  I don't want to lose her in a sense. . .I feel like if it started to really be okay, that would mean I was forgetting her and she was drifting into the back of my memory. . .I don't want that.  I want to remember her.  I still remember the sound of her voice and her smile and her laugh. . .oh Jessie, I miss you like hell and love you so much.  I wish you were still here with me.  Rest in Peace hun. 

Dear Teanna

This is a blog dedicated to my sister Teanna.

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY OLD WOMAN!!!! ♥♥♥♥


The End