College: Nursing Program

Alright. . .here it goes: I've decided I don't want to be a nurse.  I am not continuing this program following this semester.  I am way to stressed out all the time to do this for two years, my body aches, I have headaches and I just feel sick all the time.  Not to mention that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to do well.  I have to have a minimum of a 78 overall in order to get into nursing II. . .I honestly don't even see that happening.  Which is heartbreaking because I've never been unable to do well in a class and I work harder at this than I have ever worked for anything else.  I can't handle the stress, I don't want to be a nurse, and I highly doubt I will pass.  Truth is, I don't really know who I am or what I want to be when I grow up.  I hate admitting that and it scares me.  I'm almost 20. . .time is going by so fast and I'm sitting here spinning in circles.  I think I'm going to transfer to SCCC next semester for either liberal arts or business and get a full-time, or almost full-time job.  *sigh*

All Part of Growing Up

So as I grow up I change my mind about who I see myself being in the future, who I want to be.  I suppose I am in the process of making that decision now.  Do I want to be the fun, hippie, that lives on the edge?  Or am I ready to grow up and settle down and be. . .a grown up?  I think I'm leaning towards the grown up part of that.  Its not an easy decision to make. . .it means a lot will have to change, but I'm starting to take steps.  For one I took my nose ring out, my lip is going soon and possibly my tongue as well.  I met a really great guy and things could be happening there :) When I went down to visit family in georgia this summer I thought a lot about growing up and how it happens. . .but one thing I can't seem to figure out. . .is when exactly we go from being the child to being the adult.  Like now I'm the one asking "hows school?" "do you like it?" "what do you want to be when you grow up?" when I remember not so long ago I was the one being asked that questiong by what I thought of as adults. . .it just feels strange for me.  I guess I'm ready?

Decisions

Mood: Distracted

Weather:  Sunny, warm, breezy :)))

According to Social Scientists, our brains aren't fully developed until, on average, the age of 25.  The part that is continuing to develop is the frontal lobe which helps us to foresee the future outcomes of our decisions, as well as emotions and such.  Well I'm 19 so apparently my frontal lobe isn't completely developed and therefore I am incapable of adequately determining the outcomes of the decisions I make. . .but I try to make up for it.  I try to plan, and set goals for myself and plan my life accordingly around these goals.  I try to weigh the pros and cons of each option before making a decision.  I make decisions that will not only positively affect myself, but those around me as well.  I attempt to look into my future and see how the decisons I make now will impact my life either a week from now, or 20 years from now.  However, sometimes I wonder if I make decisions for the wrong reasons.  If I make a decison for the right reason, but with bad intentions. . .is that a good or bad decision?  Or if I made a decision for the wrong reasons, but with good intentions. . .what kind of decision is that?  How can you really know how each decision in life is going to pan out?  And how do you go about making such decision?  Do you make choices based on fears?  Goals?  The people around you?  I try to make good decisons for myself, even though I don't always succeed.  Sometimes I make decisions because I think they will make other people happy, conversely I sometimes make decisions because it will made me happy.  I have goals and plans for my life, I know where I WANT to be in 10 years and I try to make decisions that will help me be the person and have the lifestyle that I want to have then even though they don't always go along with what other people think is right and want for me.  So are those decisions good or bad?  I have to say, I've never really been good at making decisions for myself because it is soooooo hard to make everyone and myself happy at the same time, and yes I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER!  But I think I'm finally getting over that and starting to be able to make decisions for myself because its my life.  I make decisions that are going to help ME reach MY goals.  I make decisions that will help me later in life with a family, a house, children etc.  But even still, I sometimes wonder if I'm making good decisions, and if they are for the right reasons, and with good intentions.  I'm not sure we can always do that, and I guess it comes down to weighing the pros and cons not only for your benefit, but for those around you (alive or unborn).  I know this post is kind of vague, its sort of me just reasonsing "out loud :P"  Just food for thought :)

College: FMCC Edition Part IV

Overall I have to say that I am very pleased with my decision to transfer to FMCC...so far anyways.  One thing I've noticed that is different is the professors.  At FM none of my professors are doctors, and none of them seem very arrogant and talk to their students like they are better than them.  In all of my classes the professors told their stories of how they made it to where they are today to show that they can relate to many of us.  They all seem so much more down to earth and like normal people, that wasn't the case at Oneonta at all in my opinion.  At Oneonta almost all of my professors were doctors and almost all of them were very arrogant and cocky.  I also enjoy walking through the hallway and seeing people I went to high school with, its comforting to me.  Not only that, but one of my professors knows my family and used to work with my father.  So I'm definately getting more of a "homey" and comfortable feel at FMCC.  I am very happy to be back in school as well.  I'm in such a better mood and feeling so much better about myself now that I'm getting up every day, getting dressed and doing something.  I really haven't had to do that since early October.  I get a sense of pride from going to school full time and working part time and I just feel so much better in general.  I like all of my classes as well as my professors so far. . .So as I said, I'm pretty happy with my decision and I hope everything continues to go well :)

It's A Long Story. . .

So, since Tim and I split up back in March I've been having a little problem.  I've been dating a lot trying to find Mr. Right and when I say a lot, I mean a lot.  The guys I went out with were either extremely socially awkward, just trying to get in my pants, boring, weren't interested in me, or the biggest problem. . .even if I should have liked them, I didn't.  After Tim and I split up I found myself pretty much incapable of having feelings for the guys I went out with.  Even if things went well and I should have liked them and had butterflies. . .I didn't.  It upset me.  Tim and I continued to talk and be friends after we split up, but we had a strange friendship.  There were still a lot of feelings there, which I guess is understandable considering we were engaged and broke up because of a series of misunderstandings.  I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but he got married to a woman he knew for about a month just before he got shipped to Afghanistan. . .so we were friends and talking, but he's married.  I think it was about two weeks ago I was talking to Tim and I told him that our friendship was unhealthy and we shouldn't continue because 1) he's married and I'm sure she wouldn't approve 2) I couldn't move on while having that sort of relationship with him.  It hurt like hell to say goodbye, and of course I cried, but the next day. . .I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  I don't dislike Tim in any way, shape, or form.  I still consider him my friend.  I just couldn't continue like that, our friendship was doing me more harm than good emotionally and was keeping me from moving on.  So I knew I had made the right decision in sort of ending our communications because I felt so good about it, but I was and still am petrified that something is going to happen to him while he is in Afghanistan and I'm going to regret my decision for the rest of my life.  Anyways it was only days after I told Tim goodbye that I met Marcin. . .and for the first time since March I had butterflies.  I'm not sure if its because Marcin is a very special guy, or if its because I was finally able to cut ties with Tim and I. . .I like to think its a little of both because Marcin is definately special. 

College IIII

Well I sent in my deposit to SUNY Oneonta the other day and I got a letter back today saying how proud they are of their campus, alumni, and students.  I don't know why but when I got the letter, I felt really good.  I'm really starting to feel like I made the right decision and I don't regret not going to Long Island at all.  And I got a window decal!! lol but the suckie part is, I'm selling my car so I can't put it in MY window lol.  But I'm really excited about going there in the fall and I've decided to switch my major to Psychology.  So I am now officially part of SUNY Oneonta's class of 2014!!! wooo :)

Choices

First I would like to say that posting on my blog has changed. . .and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if it will look different to you but it looks different to me. The font and all that is changed and even my setup is different. . .anyways, sorry for my bout of ADD there. This blog is about choices. As I am getting older I am forced to make a lot of my own choices like not only what to wear today, but what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Who do I want to be friends with? Where do I want to go to college? Where do I want to live? Who do I want to be with? Who am I? I am faced every day with more and more choices that I have to make and a lot of them will effect the rest of my life. I'm doing the best I can to foresee the future out comes of all my decisions, but its not easy. (Especially because my frontal lobe isn't developed) I understand that with each decision comes a consequence, and those consequences can be both good and/or bad. I have made decisions which have had both types of consequences and some of the decisions I have made I am not proud of, but I don't really regret any of them because they have lead me to where I am now and I'm happy with that. Some decisions I am being faced with now are difficult for me to deal with. What if every choice I am given, no matter what I choose, hurts someone in someway. What if, even though I'm okay and I'm happy, someone else isn't. Or what if I make everyone else happy, but I'm not. What do I do there? The last thing I want to do is upset someone or hurt someone. I know what pain feels like, I've been hurt a lot in my life time and if I can save someone from feeling any sort of pain I will. I'm sorry for being so vague, I just can't really go into detail at the present time. What I'm saying though, is that no matter what, at some point we all have to make decisions that are going to hurt someone, whether it be you or someone around you. For example, when I made my decision to have Gary adopt me, my fathers parents (my grandparents) we're upset by this decision. I still feel that I made the right decision, but I did have to deal with the consequences and they weren't so nice. There was no way of avoiding that. I try to think before every decision I make, but some times, when things get to be too much, I choose to play it safe. I make decisions that just make everything easier even if they're not the best. Is that wrong? How do you know if you've made a wrong decision if someone, somewhere benefits? Have you made a wrong decision if no one benefits? Is it a right decision if everyone around you is happy when you aren't? This goes back to what is right and what is wrong. What if I feel like I am doing some thing right, and so do other people, but the people surrounding me that are most involved in my life believe its wrong. . .is it really wrong? I honestly hate it when I don't have the support from my friends and family. I've had to deal with that with my choices in religion and my beliefs, my support of gay marriage and their rights, my self expression, and the guys that I have dated. I feel very strongly about certain things such as my religion and I know that a lot of people disagree with me, but I do feel that it is the right decision. How do I know if it really is? Is believing in myself enough? I will leave it at that and let you ponder a bit. This is just something that was running through my mind today while walking through the halls of high school. This is my last year there so I have a lot of decisions facing me right now.