The Hunger Games

I hadn't heard about The Hunger Games prior to last Friday.  Some coworkers told me about it and so I got the book on Saturday.  I read it in 3 days, I couldn't put it down.  I can't wait to see the movie.  When I went home this weekend I was surprised to find out that my 11 year old brother is also reading the book.  I hope he finishes it soon so we can talk about it together :) Great book, highly recommend it!

The Journey to Me: My Blog

I'm contemplating deleting this blog. . .no worries.  I plan to start a new blog, perhaps with a slightly different theme.  

Lately, I've been all about letting go of my past and recreating myself into who I want to be.  This hasn't really been entirely easy or fun.  Especially since its still pretty foggy in here.  But I've done a lot of changing: gotten rid of my piercings, moved to cities, changed jobs, deleted facebook, changed my number, etc.  I've had this blog for over two years now.  There is a lot of my in this blog. . .which makes me want to delete it and start over, but it also makes me want to keep it.  So another possibility is that I will "end" this blog, and start another one.  An end to one part of my life, and the start of another. :) Comments are appreciated :) 

The People

"that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. (Gettysburg address by Abraham Lincoln)." 
The people of this nation are protesting.  They are poor.  They are suffering.  1% is controlling the majority because of money.  The people are protesting.  The people can't find jobs.  The people can't get surgery, or medication.  The people are dying.  Of the people.  By the people.  For the people.  The people are protesting.  What is our nation doing for it's people?  The people are 99%. . .its only a matter of time before the 1% is dissolved. . .but then what will our nation be?  Scary times. . .scary times. 

Growing Up

Mood: Thoughtful

Weather: Cold, clear sky

So I realized today that my baby sister is going to be 13 in a few weeks.  She is 7 years younger than me and I remember the day she was born.  I woke up in the middle of the night and my parents were gone.  My grandma martha lived upstairs so I called her and she told me my mother was in labor.  We didn't know the gender of the baby.  The next day I went to the hospital to see my new baby sister.  I got to hold her.  I cried when she turned 1 because I didn't want her to grow up. . .now she is turning 13.  That makes me feel old.  Growing up sucks.  It makes me realize what they meant about wanting to grow up too fast, and we should enjoy our child hood.  Working all the time and having responsibilities sucks, I totally miss high school!  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the money and the freedom, but I miss having nothing to worry about as far as bills and a job and what not.  *sigh* Em, will you please stay 13 forever?? Love you!!! P.S Don't do all the stupid things I did when I was your age that you're not old enough to know about yet! :P 

War

Mood: Thoughtful

Weather: Cold. . .It F**king snowed last night!!!

Okay think with me here:  I am a person, a human being, yes?  Are you?  I am a female, are you?  If not then you are probably a male, correct?  I have lived for 19 years, celebrated 19 birthdays.  I have a mother, a biological father, and a chosen (adopted) father.  I have an older step sister, a younger sister, and two younger brothers, though one of which I haven't seen since he was an infant (he is my biological fathers son).  I go to school.  I work.  I have a boyfriend.  I have friends.  I have hobbies.  I have emotions.  I have daily activities.  Sometimes I laugh.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I fall in love.  I have pictures.  I have memories.  I have dreams.  I have values, and morals, and beliefs, and understandings, and ideals!  Do you?  We all may be different, and have different families, thoughts, feelings, reactions, ideals, morals, beliefs, etc.  But we all have families.  We all have a mother that gave birth to us, and a father that helped created us. . .even if they are no longer around or in our lives.  We have people we care about, and others that care about us.  We have memories.  We have dreams.  So what I will never understand is how one person could kill another.  I will never understand war.  How thousands of man can band together to go kill each other.  To kill another person.  Have you ever lost a person?  Do you know what it feels like to have someone ripped away from you?  I don't care who you are, those feelings are the same.  Think about if you lost your best friend?  Your brother?  Your sister?  Your wife?  Your boyfriend?  When we go to war and kill other people. . .who do you think we are taking away?  Someone's son.  Someone's friend.  Someone's lover.  Someone's parent.  Just like we are losing.  I don't know, I don't think I will ever understand the point. 

All About Love

I'm only 19, I'll be 20 in January, but in the last few years I think I've learned quite a lot about love.  Love isn't butterflies.  Love isn't sex.  Love isn't love letters and flowers.  Love isn't diamonds.  Love isn't days, weeks, months, or years.  Love isn't whispers in your ears.  Love isn't holding hands.  Love isn't beautiful.  Love isn't kind.  Love isn't indestructible.  And for goodness sakes, love isn't happily ever after.  No no, love is waking up in the morning and kissing despite the god awful morning breath.  Love is waking up with hair in disarray and make up smeared and lying to me that you still think I'm beautiful.  Love isn't compromise, its giving up because dammit you just don't want to argue about it anymore.  Love is driving each other up a wall to the point of wanting to murder each other, but going to bed in each others arms anyways.  Love is waking up and forgetting what it was you went to bed arguing about.  Love definitely hurts.  Love comes, and it goes. . .but love never dies.  Love is biting your tongue.  Love is doing it even though you don't want to.  Love is a commitment.  Love is a verb.  Love can often mean goodbye.  Love is the number one cause of tears in all 50 US states.  Love is tolerance.  Love can kill.  Love is selfless.  Love is jealousy.  Love is frustration.  Love is worry.  Love is stress.  Love is trust.  Love is sticking around, even after the fights, tears, tantrums, break downs, ups, and downs. . .because love is all we've got.  That's what I've learned about love.

Dedicated: To the Best Mom Ever

About 2 weeks ago my Grandma Martha passed away.  She has been suffering for years with COPD and it finally got the best of her.  My grandma lived upstairs from us for half of my life and helped raise me, she and I were very close and I have a lot of wonderful memories with her.  It was hard to lose her, but at the same time, I am glad she is no longer suffering.  She really wasn't living anymore because of the disease.  She could barely eat without being out of breath.  I know she was very depressed and she was ready to go, even if we weren't.  I love you grandma, rest in peace.  I know if there is a heaven, she is there :)  My grandma that passed, is my Mom's mom and my mom has been having a hard time with this. . .who wouldn't?  I know for the last few years mom has been making an extra effort to be there and to make memories and just spend time with grandma. . .she knew their time together was getting shorter.  I've always believed this, and I still do now more than ever. . .My mom HAS to be Super Woman lol.  I don't know how she did it, but my mom has ALWAYS been on top of everything.  She has always taken care of everything and everyone, put herself second, and never expected anything in return.  She has worked multiple jobs to provide for us, always made sure we were safe, clothed, bathed, and polite. My mom and I may not always see eye to eye, but she has always been there for me and put me and my siblings first before anything else.  I've always known that, but after grandma passed away and my dad and I went up to the nursing home to see mom and say our goodbyes to grandma, my mom was hurting.  She had just lost her mom.  I don't know what I would do if I was in the same position.  But my mom was sitting there, crying, holding grandmas hand saying her goodbyes. . .until she saw me crying.  Mom then let go of grandmas hand to come console me.  Dammit, she deserves a metal.  My mom isn't perfect, but I couldn't have asked for a better Mom. . .in my eyes, she's the best there is.  I love you mom, and I can't thank you enough for just being you. 

New Apartment Part II

Mood: Irritable

Weather: HURRICANE IRENE!

Well CJ and I finally got home phone, internet, and cable at the apartment.  It took us forever because verizon is on strike, and at&t doesn't know which way is up, so we finally got time warner cable :P I do love our apartment thus far, though there are constant sirens and our landlady scares the piss out of me lol.  We now have all of our furniture, appliances, dishes, pots and pans, etc.  It was great because we got it all for free and saved thousands of dollars. . .but it is also very sad because a lot of the stuff came from my grandmother who just passed away :( RIP Grandma Martha :'(  She has been suffering for a long time with COPD and I'm glad that she is no longer suffering but at the same time I am still very distraught because she and I were very close and she helped raise me.  I will miss her very much, but as I said before I am very glad that she is no longer suffering and I am positive if there is a heaven she is there :) she was a very christian woman.  But we are all settled in and things are going well, pictures coming soon (lots because I still haven't posted the pictures of New Orleans or Boston yet :P)

Me Me Me, and oh yeah, did I mention ME???

So I thought I'd spice it up with some color for a change :P Well any who, I would just like to say that I no longer have my nose and lip pierced.  I took them out a while ago and I'm not going to put them back.  I feel like I'm growing out of that phase and I didn't particularly love them.  They got in the way and they were more of a hassle than anything, I only kept them for as long as I did because I spent so much money on them :P Yeah, I suppose I'm weird like that.  So now I only have my tongue pierced and 7 piercings in my ears (3 in each lobe and 1 in my cartilage on the right side).  Its only 2 more years before I'm done with college and entering the workforce (hopefully!!) as a RN. . .I now have my own apartment with my boyfriend. . .Time to grow up and that's honestly what I want.  I'm evolving into the adult I've always hoped to be.  So cross your fingers, your toes, and pray to whatever you pray to that things work out for me because at this point I'll take all the help I can get :P <3

Moving

I moved yesterday. . .to an hour away from where I've lived for the last 10 years.  I've been looking forward to moving and getting out of Canajoharie for quite a while, and all of a sudden (and I mean, all of a sudden :P ) my new boyfriend and I move an hour away to Schenectady.  I am very excited and happy to be living with CJ, but the other day. . .but when I was up in the attic looking for my mom's extra set of pots an pans. . .It hit me.  I'm moving out.  I'm no longer living at home. . .I'm growing up.  When did that happen?  When did I grow up?  I guess the thought crossed my mind: Am I ready?  I found some things in the attic. . .my knick knacks that I had in my room in Amsterdam that I hadn't seen since I moved to Canajoharie (porcelain bears and dolls), my teddy bears, things from my childhood, etc.  Idk. . .it just kinda hit me.  I didn't cry.  I didn't have a panic attack.  I just kinda stood there. . .thinking. . .feeling.  I got over it quickly and haven't really felt that way since.  But it does surprise me that I'm. . .all grown up :) Well :p sorta :p.  I loved moving, I was very excited about it and I can't wait to really start decorating and having things :)  I hope to find a new job by next weekend so I can start helping to pay for things because we really do need so much. . .but its fun.  Every minute is an adventure :)

Y'all were thinking it. . .I'm just saying :P

All Part of Growing Up

So as I grow up I change my mind about who I see myself being in the future, who I want to be.  I suppose I am in the process of making that decision now.  Do I want to be the fun, hippie, that lives on the edge?  Or am I ready to grow up and settle down and be. . .a grown up?  I think I'm leaning towards the grown up part of that.  Its not an easy decision to make. . .it means a lot will have to change, but I'm starting to take steps.  For one I took my nose ring out, my lip is going soon and possibly my tongue as well.  I met a really great guy and things could be happening there :) When I went down to visit family in georgia this summer I thought a lot about growing up and how it happens. . .but one thing I can't seem to figure out. . .is when exactly we go from being the child to being the adult.  Like now I'm the one asking "hows school?" "do you like it?" "what do you want to be when you grow up?" when I remember not so long ago I was the one being asked that questiong by what I thought of as adults. . .it just feels strange for me.  I guess I'm ready?

My Baby Sister

With each day that passes I can't believe what a beautiful young woman my baby sister is turning into.  At twelve years old she amazes me with her drive, artistic and musical talent, beauty, and intelligence.  I admire her in many ways and I know she doesn't know that.  For the last few months she has been training to run her first 5k (Girls on the Run).  I went to Cooperstown with her to watch her and I am so so so proud of her.  I think that was an awesome thing that she did and I think next year she and I are going to do it together.  She inspires me and though she may consider me her role model. . .I think she's mine. 

Decisions

Mood: Distracted

Weather:  Sunny, warm, breezy :)))

According to Social Scientists, our brains aren't fully developed until, on average, the age of 25.  The part that is continuing to develop is the frontal lobe which helps us to foresee the future outcomes of our decisions, as well as emotions and such.  Well I'm 19 so apparently my frontal lobe isn't completely developed and therefore I am incapable of adequately determining the outcomes of the decisions I make. . .but I try to make up for it.  I try to plan, and set goals for myself and plan my life accordingly around these goals.  I try to weigh the pros and cons of each option before making a decision.  I make decisions that will not only positively affect myself, but those around me as well.  I attempt to look into my future and see how the decisons I make now will impact my life either a week from now, or 20 years from now.  However, sometimes I wonder if I make decisions for the wrong reasons.  If I make a decison for the right reason, but with bad intentions. . .is that a good or bad decision?  Or if I made a decision for the wrong reasons, but with good intentions. . .what kind of decision is that?  How can you really know how each decision in life is going to pan out?  And how do you go about making such decision?  Do you make choices based on fears?  Goals?  The people around you?  I try to make good decisons for myself, even though I don't always succeed.  Sometimes I make decisions because I think they will make other people happy, conversely I sometimes make decisions because it will made me happy.  I have goals and plans for my life, I know where I WANT to be in 10 years and I try to make decisions that will help me be the person and have the lifestyle that I want to have then even though they don't always go along with what other people think is right and want for me.  So are those decisions good or bad?  I have to say, I've never really been good at making decisions for myself because it is soooooo hard to make everyone and myself happy at the same time, and yes I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER!  But I think I'm finally getting over that and starting to be able to make decisions for myself because its my life.  I make decisions that are going to help ME reach MY goals.  I make decisions that will help me later in life with a family, a house, children etc.  But even still, I sometimes wonder if I'm making good decisions, and if they are for the right reasons, and with good intentions.  I'm not sure we can always do that, and I guess it comes down to weighing the pros and cons not only for your benefit, but for those around you (alive or unborn).  I know this post is kind of vague, its sort of me just reasonsing "out loud :P"  Just food for thought :)

UPDATE: Stressful Day

Mood: hard to explain

Weather: Beautiful today :) the snow is melting!!!

Well I just wanted to let everyone know that I did in fact get everything worked out.  I was able to drop my english class without a problem, and switch into the Sociology class that I had been attending the whole time.  I had to go see the dean and she signed my papers without any problems at all.  That is a big relief off of my chest :) Just thought I would give an update on how that all went down. 

I Want To Be. . .

I want to be your everything.
I want to be the exception to the rule.
The answer to your prayers,
the answer to every wish you've made upon a shooting star.
I want to be the one to hold you in my arms every night.
The last face you see before you close your eyes,
the first kiss in the morning.
I want to be the girl you've dreamed about.
I want to wipe your tears away,
and kiss away the pain.
I want you to trust me in every way possible.
I want you to give me your heart,
and i'll give you mine.
I want to be the reason for the beautiful smile on your face.
The reason you wake up in the morning.
I want to be the woman you grow old with,
your last great love.
I want to be your everything, so please be mine <3

Yeah well. . .You know.

I'm going to keep this short.  Jason and I broke up, big surprise.  I don't know why I ever expect any of these things to work out when they never do.  There must be something wrong with me because not every single one of these guys I go out with can be as horrible as they seem.  I'm broken, something I've known for a long time.  I should just give up.  FML.  The end.

College: FMCC Edition Part V

Today was not such a good day.  First, I had to look into sending my AP scores to college, specifically my english because there was a possibility I was in the wrong one.  My mom and I rushed to get those sent today and come to find out I was in the wrong english. . .thats usually not a big deal, but the professor for the english I was already in was my favorite and I absolutely loved him.  I looked to see if there were any English II classes that were open that he taught, but they were all full with a waiting list :(  So I had to switch to a class with a female professor from Sweden or Switzerland or something. . .I have like 6 assignments already due next week :(  Then I go and try to order my books, which I still haven't done, and I found out that my loans still hadn't gone through so I still can't order them when I have homework (specifically english) and I can't do it because I don't have the books.  So I go to financial aid and it gets worse. . .instead of getting the almost 900 dollars I thought I was getting from TAP, I'm actually only getting 200 so I'm going to have to use a pretty big chunk of my loan for tuition as well as books. . .which is going to hinder my chances of buying a car. . .needless to say today really sucked. 

College: FMCC Edition Part IV

Overall I have to say that I am very pleased with my decision to transfer to FMCC...so far anyways.  One thing I've noticed that is different is the professors.  At FM none of my professors are doctors, and none of them seem very arrogant and talk to their students like they are better than them.  In all of my classes the professors told their stories of how they made it to where they are today to show that they can relate to many of us.  They all seem so much more down to earth and like normal people, that wasn't the case at Oneonta at all in my opinion.  At Oneonta almost all of my professors were doctors and almost all of them were very arrogant and cocky.  I also enjoy walking through the hallway and seeing people I went to high school with, its comforting to me.  Not only that, but one of my professors knows my family and used to work with my father.  So I'm definately getting more of a "homey" and comfortable feel at FMCC.  I am very happy to be back in school as well.  I'm in such a better mood and feeling so much better about myself now that I'm getting up every day, getting dressed and doing something.  I really haven't had to do that since early October.  I get a sense of pride from going to school full time and working part time and I just feel so much better in general.  I like all of my classes as well as my professors so far. . .So as I said, I'm pretty happy with my decision and I hope everything continues to go well :)

College: FMCC Edition Part III

Today I had my other 3 classes.  First I had Bar and Beverage Management.  The professor for this class is the only female professor that I have, but I really like her.  She is very bubbly and she seems very happy in her profession.  I'm excited for the class not only because its essentially bartending class, but because she seems like a very fun professor as well.  The next class I had was General Psychology and oh my goodness let me tell you about this professor.  First of all he was about 5 minutes late for the class.  He walks in and he is this short, slightly balding, hardcore hippie wearing a leather Harley Davidson like jacket, a beard, black jeans and circle shaped glasses.  He throws down his jacket and underneath he is wearing a black button up with the top few buttons undone exposing his chest hair.  Without saying much of anything he starts playing this youtube video:



His name is Marty Friedman. . .I don't know about you but when an older gentleman's name is Marty I immediately assume he is a hippie.  He seems pretty cool, but his voice is very monotone and I can see myself falling asleep in his class.  Then for my final class of the day, I had Anatomy and Physiology.  Its a 3 hour night class, luckily I have a very attractive professor who, as soon as I walked in the room said to me, "so what's your name pretty lady."  He looks and reminds me very much of Mr. Schoff <3 He is very interesting and kept my attention for the full 3 hour class.  Best part: The seats recline!! lol  Well, its been another good day at college :)