Just an Update

Well I think i've fought through the worst part of the storm.  I'm not feeling as depressed, which believe it or not was a result of a conversation I had with Ryan a few days before we broke up.  Cassie and I are friends again which makes me happy and takes a lot of stress off of me.  Its so much easier to love her than to avoid her.  Love you Cassie ♥♥♥  I'm done with my AP English Test and I think I did really well.  Things are starting to settle down again and I'm doing okay.  I haven't had a nightmare in 4 days :) which is a record for me.  I'm still stressing about paying for college especially because I am, somehow, getting $1,000 less than I was originally getting (wtf?!?!) but I'm accepted and I'm going to make it work somehow.  I'm going to sell my car because I can't use it for a few years and I'll use that money to help pay for college.  Its a 95 tan Honda accord. . .wagon :P with like 64,000 miles on it.  Its a good car :) I think we're selling it for like $3500.  The weather is beautiful and for the most part things are good.  I think i've made it out of this slump :)  Sometimes I get scared though when a lot of bad shit happens to me.  For some reason I feel like a target and I just keep getting hit with more stuff that I have to deal with like not having my real father, my cousin dying, Jack dying, Adam dying, multiple family members dying, my grandma being ill, my domestic family issues, school, issues with friends, relationship drama. . .everything.  I get scared because I wonder if I'm going to grow immune to it.  If this keeps happening am I just not going to hurt anymore?? Is it a good thing not to hurt?  I'm not sure if I would rather be immune to pain or feel it. . .and if I'm immune to pain, will I eventually grow immune to happiness as well??  I'm a pretty happy, upbeat person for the most part, but I've dealt with a lot and faced a lot of challenges.  I always try to be optimistic and see the good in every situation but after a while that gets hard and thats when I get myself into some of these slumps.  I just hope I can go a few months w/o anything really bad happening or a bunch of little things all happening at once.  :) I would much rather be happy.

Letter to Cassie

Dear Cassie,
I'm writing this directly to you and also allowing whoever else to read it because there are a few things in this letter that other people need to see as well.  I am honestly sorry if I upset you by not venting all of my problems to you and letting you be the shoulder I cried on, but I have my own reasons for not doing so that have nothing to do with you.  I don't like telling other people my problems.  I handle them myself unless I can't.  If I need help, I have no problem asking for it, but I don't like to weigh other people down with my problems.  I like keeping the mood light.  I am more of a listener, I will always be there for someone else no matter what the problem is and who the person is.  Its just me.  I like to help people and I feel I am do people a favor by not whining, complaining, and venting to them.  I vent on my blog.  With writing.  Sometimes I'm not direct about what I'm venting about, but its personal to me and it makes me feel better. . .everyone is different.  I totally agree we have grown apart this year.  We really haven't been friends much at all this year.  Thats okay, it happens.  I can't tell you how many friends I've grown apart from just in the 4 years of high school, its life. . .it happens.  If it happens with us, well it pretty much already has, its okay.  Am I sorry it happened?? Yes of course.  Cassie I love you to death even when we are fighting, even when you're being a total bitch. . .unconditional love babe.  I don't think there is much you could do for me not to love you to death.  We have been very close friends, and you've been one of my bestfriends for years now.  I have told you everything and that never stopped. . .we just stopped having opportunities for me to tell you everything.  I've always been there for you, and even if we aren't friends and you need someone I will still be there for you in the future. . .just the way I am.  You have always been there for me too when I needed you and I am very greatful.  Sorry I made you uncomfy around me because I wasn't being open with you or whatever. . .yes our friendship changed and we grew apart.  I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry if I upset you.  Regardless, you hurt me very deeply.  You said things that you know nothing about and couldn't know anything about without me telling you and explaining. . .even then you might not unless you experience them.  You implied things that hurt my feelings and if you believe they are true then I don't honestly believe you were ever my friend because if you were you would know better.  You should know me better than just about anyone else even if I haven't been completely open with you for the last few months.  I honestly think part of it was that you've been upset with me for a while now and were looking for an opportunity to express that and hurt my feelings.  Its a human thing to want to hurt someone that upset you and I think you used that as your opportunity.  I'm sorry if you feel that my hurt feelings were blown out of proportion. . .didn't realize that feeling that way as a response was wrong. . .but whatever.  You know what I think, You know how I feel.  I wish you the best of luck.  Sorry it all happened this way but I'm graduating soon so you won't have to worry about it.  I know you already "Don't care"  just like you don't care about just about everything, but I care.  So I said what I had to say. 

Sincerely,
Jocie