Dedicated: To the Best Mom Ever

About 2 weeks ago my Grandma Martha passed away.  She has been suffering for years with COPD and it finally got the best of her.  My grandma lived upstairs from us for half of my life and helped raise me, she and I were very close and I have a lot of wonderful memories with her.  It was hard to lose her, but at the same time, I am glad she is no longer suffering.  She really wasn't living anymore because of the disease.  She could barely eat without being out of breath.  I know she was very depressed and she was ready to go, even if we weren't.  I love you grandma, rest in peace.  I know if there is a heaven, she is there :)  My grandma that passed, is my Mom's mom and my mom has been having a hard time with this. . .who wouldn't?  I know for the last few years mom has been making an extra effort to be there and to make memories and just spend time with grandma. . .she knew their time together was getting shorter.  I've always believed this, and I still do now more than ever. . .My mom HAS to be Super Woman lol.  I don't know how she did it, but my mom has ALWAYS been on top of everything.  She has always taken care of everything and everyone, put herself second, and never expected anything in return.  She has worked multiple jobs to provide for us, always made sure we were safe, clothed, bathed, and polite. My mom and I may not always see eye to eye, but she has always been there for me and put me and my siblings first before anything else.  I've always known that, but after grandma passed away and my dad and I went up to the nursing home to see mom and say our goodbyes to grandma, my mom was hurting.  She had just lost her mom.  I don't know what I would do if I was in the same position.  But my mom was sitting there, crying, holding grandmas hand saying her goodbyes. . .until she saw me crying.  Mom then let go of grandmas hand to come console me.  Dammit, she deserves a metal.  My mom isn't perfect, but I couldn't have asked for a better Mom. . .in my eyes, she's the best there is.  I love you mom, and I can't thank you enough for just being you. 

New Apartment Part II

Mood: Irritable

Weather: HURRICANE IRENE!

Well CJ and I finally got home phone, internet, and cable at the apartment.  It took us forever because verizon is on strike, and at&t doesn't know which way is up, so we finally got time warner cable :P I do love our apartment thus far, though there are constant sirens and our landlady scares the piss out of me lol.  We now have all of our furniture, appliances, dishes, pots and pans, etc.  It was great because we got it all for free and saved thousands of dollars. . .but it is also very sad because a lot of the stuff came from my grandmother who just passed away :( RIP Grandma Martha :'(  She has been suffering for a long time with COPD and I'm glad that she is no longer suffering but at the same time I am still very distraught because she and I were very close and she helped raise me.  I will miss her very much, but as I said before I am very glad that she is no longer suffering and I am positive if there is a heaven she is there :) she was a very christian woman.  But we are all settled in and things are going well, pictures coming soon (lots because I still haven't posted the pictures of New Orleans or Boston yet :P)

The Confusing Situation

Over a year ago my mother told my grand parents (my fathers parents) that I wanted my step father to adopt me.  I've always had a very good relationship with them and whenever I would go down to visit my father I always stayed with them.  They were always very good to me and my family.  Well when my mother broke the news to them, that all changed.  My mother told my father that I wanted to be adopted and that all he had to do was pay the child support he owed me (about $5,000) and he wouldn't have to pay another penny.  So he just had to pay what he owed, he didn't have to pay anything while he was coming up with the money or anything while the adoption process was taking place.  I told my mother that I really didn't want anything from him, but she said he owed it to me so I said ok.  So I asked my mother if, with that money, I could get a car and put whatever was left towards college.  So one august morning my grandmother calls me and the first thing she asks is if anyone aside from my little brother and sister were home, and I said no because my step dad and mom were both at work.  She wanted to make sure that they were gone so that she could verbally attack me and break me down because I wanted to be adopted.  She told me things that went on when my father and mother got divorced (I was 5 at the time!) and did all she could to get me turned against my mother.  My grandmother is a very two faced person.  She always tells me that I am more mature than my father and that she is sorry that I have to deal with him.  She also always told me that she always loved my mother very much.  But like I said, she's two faced.  She always gossips with everyone she can, but then she is nice to the person she is gossiping about.  Well she attacked me because my mother wanted the child support from my father and said that I was being bought and sold and accused me of only using my father for money because I had asked to use that money for a car.  She made it sound like the divorce was all my mothers fault and my father did nothing wrong.  She broke me down until I was in tears and then said goodbye.  I immediately called my mother and told her what had happened.  She was very upset and wrote a letter to my grandmother telling her never to contact my mother again and that if I wanted a relationship with her, that was up to me.  I honestly didn't want much of one after that.  I told myself that if she really loved me she wouldn't have done that.  She would love me no matter what and want whats best for me.  Well almost a year went by and I used that time to think about it.  My grandmother can't admit when she's wrong and if she's hurting she wants to bring down everyone that is around her.  She also likes changing the story around so that she looks like the good guy.  So I was sure that she had turned that entire side of the family against me.  In July I wrote her a letter saying that I was over it and I wanted to put everything behind us and be family again.  I told her that I thought about her and my grandfather very often and missed them and loved them.  I'm sure the rest of the family has no idea that she called me up and attacked me and I'm sure she told them that I wanted nothing to do with them or something to that extent.  But a few weeks after sending the letter she called me.  I didn't expect her to admit she was wrong, but instead she continued to attack me.  I told her how I felt this time.  I told her there was nothing I could do to make her happy and that anything my mother did during the divorce didn't concern me.  Eventually she got the hint and changed the subject.  I didn't expect to hear from her after that and I wasn't all that excited to talk to her again either.  I had tried and she didn't want a relationship.  But to my surprise she began calling me just about every other day and she didn't really say much about the money or the adoption.  (I did use 2,600 for a car btw).  She started talking to me just like she used to and telling me that she loved me again.  I don't know if she sees that she was wrong or what, but I'll take it.  I'm happy to have her as my family even if she isn't everything I want her to be.  She is still very good to me and is and will always be my family.  I talked to my grandfather for the first time today in over a year, we didn't get to talk for very long because he had a meeting to go to but he said he would call me back sometime.  I don't know what he thinks or what he was told.  I never intended to upset them when I asked to be adopted.  I thought they would love me no matter what and want whats best for me.  They both know that my father is an alcoholic, a drug addict, and abusive.  I'm happy to have a relationship with them anyway, i'm greatful for what I have.  That is my confusing situation.