Happy Birthday Jessie

So today would have been Jessie's 20th birthday.  For those of you that haven't been reading my blog for very long, Jessie is my cousin and she passed away November 6, 2007 in a car accident.  We were very close and her death has had a HUGE impact on my life. . .I go to the cemetary twice a year: November 6th and January 4th.  This year. . .I almost forgot her birthday.  I remember thinking about it towards the end of december, but somehow it slipped my mind until last night.  I started bawling when I remembered because I hated myself for nearly forgetting.  I am petrified of forgetting her. . .I guess I still haven't let go and I'm not sure I ever will or if I even can.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and remember her. . .not a day goes by that it still doesn't hurt.  There are still days that I cry when I think of her and when it hurts so bad I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning.  I'm not sure its ever going to be REALLY okay. . .but I'm not even sure I would ever want it to be.  I don't want to forget her.  I don't want to lose her in a sense. . .I feel like if it started to really be okay, that would mean I was forgetting her and she was drifting into the back of my memory. . .I don't want that.  I want to remember her.  I still remember the sound of her voice and her smile and her laugh. . .oh Jessie, I miss you like hell and love you so much.  I wish you were still here with me.  Rest in Peace hun. 

3 Years

So yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of the worst day of my life (a.k.a Jessie's death).  Every year on that day I go to the cemetary to talk to her, I do the same on her birthday.  I didn't cry at the cemetary like I did last year, instead I cried the entire way home.  It still hurts.  It's still surreal.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and its just especially painful on the anniversary because all the memories and emotions come swooping back to haunt me.  RIP Jess, I love you. 

Nov 6th

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  It was the anniversary of my cousin's death, a day I will never forget.  A big part of me died that day with her, and I haven't really been the same since.  I left school a little early to go to the cemetary because its an hour early and I wanted to make sure I got there before dark.  Tim went with me and I brought a candle to leave on her grave.  It was all decorated with flowers and candles, it looked very nice for such a horrible place.  It reminded me of some of the pain I have been avoiding for a long time and I broke down crying.  It still hurts a lot especially because I don't feel like Jessie is here with me anymore, at least not like I used to.  I know she is there, I just don't feel as connected to her.  When I got back in the truck I decided to call her mom, but the number I had was old, so I called her grandmother and spoke to her for a little while.  I told her that I loved her and she was in my thoughts and prayers.  We spoke for a few minutes and both cried on the phone.  We talked about Cory (Jessie's little sister that was also in the accident that is paralyzed) and that hurt me a lot.  I realized that I really need to see her and be there for her.  I got Lori's new number, but got the voicemail so I left one.  I broke down crying even more in the drunk, my heart was breaking.  Tim held me close, but I could tell it was kind of awkward for him because he didn't really know what to do in that situation, and that is fine. . .it was just nice to have him there holding me.  I miss my cousin so much, not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what happened.  I think a part of me still blames myself for not being able to help and save her like I thought I had.  It still breaks my heart that I didn't get to say goodbye.  I can't believe its only been 2 years, it seems like so much longer, but at the same time it seems like it was just yesterday.