Bum

So, I'm sorry that I haven't really been posting anything about my life lately. . .truth is, life as a bum is pretty boring.  I go out often and hang out with Ashley and Gabby, but thats about it.  I sleep until about 10:30 every day, and it takes me until about 1 to ACTUALLY get up. . .then I either clean, try to find a job, or do. . .nothing.  Thats how my days have gone since I've been home.  No one is hiring. . .so I'm seriously going to be a bum until school starts again in January.  I really don't enjoy being a bum. . .I wish I had something to do lol.  Oh well.  Just thought I would update you all on my life. . .not much happening right now, but as soon as it does I'll let you know.  Wish me luck in my job search. 

Pictures of Me

As I have said before, when I get bored ^ this is what I do lol.  I am extremely vain at times and I love taking my picture :) so here, this is what I did I think it was last week, perhaps the week before when I was getting ready for a date. 

Ughhhhh

Well I've been home sick for over a week. I started out being sick with bronchitis with flu like symptoms and it just got worse. Then I went to the hospital and found out I have pneumonia and my right lung is partially collapsed. I've been on 2 different types of antibiotics and 2 different inhalers and then i got a nebulizer machine. I'm finally starting to feel better and stop coughing but I could relapse very easily and my immune system is very weak so I could just as easily catch something else and end up right where I was if not worse. As of right now however I am bored out of my mind. I haven't seen or really spoken to my friends in days and I'm rotting away at home. I've done some of my homework, but I can't really do my math because I don't know whats going on and I just got my government book yesterday so I could start doing that. So if you read this, you should deff send me a text or give me a call or something because I am desperate for human contact. Thank you to Tim :D who has kept me company through my illness by calling me and talking to me online ;) but I do miss my girlies and everyone else also. I'm going to work tomorrow and sunday and I hope to go to school on monday but my mother is thinking about keeping me home another week and getting a tutor to make sure I won't relapse or anything. . .I really want to go back to school. D:

The OTHER Confusing Situation

Well, as you all know Chris and I broke up a little over a week ago.  If you had read my previous blogs you know that it was a hard break up and our friendship also went down the tubes.  If you don't already know all of this I suggest you read my blogs starting with "The Fair" to get yourself updated because if you don't you will not understand this blog at all.  Well. . .even if you had read those blogs you may not understand this one.  I'm still confused myself.  Well lets see. . .the other night Chris and I were talking, he was still begging me to be his friend and telling me how miserable he was, and I was still shouting "I DON'T CARE!!!" But when his roommate expressed to me that Chris may not really be over me like I thought I decided to cool it a little.  I believed that because he was the one that broke up with me because he didn't have feelings for me, and then told me that he never did love me, he was going to handle this just fine and get over me really fast.  It confused me that he got upset when he found out I was seeing other guys and begged for my friendship.  But I guess his roommate was right, Chris wasn't over me.  So I decided if that was the case then I wouldn't make the situation harder on him and I would be civil.  So we started talking on aim for a while about different things and it was good.  It was nice to talk to him.  Then we started talking on the phone.  Well we ended up talking for like 4-5 hours.  We talked about our relationship and the break up and he made me realize that I had done things in our relationship that hurt him as well.  He didn't like to tell me what was bothering him so I never really knew when he was hurting or feeling a certain way, but I didn't always make it easy for him to tell me.  It was always on my terms, I would listen when I wanted to and have him tell me when I wanted him too.  That was wrong.  I didn't really realize what I had done until the other night, but if I had thought about it earlier I would have realized it.  So I apologized for having done that.  I hadn't realized how much he had put up with while dating me and I didn't appreciate it until now and I made sure to tell him that.  But its hard for me to know what is bothering him when he doesn't tell me.  There were a lot of times when I would ask for hours what was bothering him and beg to talk about it and he just wouldn't.  We were both at fault.  That doesn't make what he did any better though.  He did still break my heart and lied a lot.  He admitted to me during our conversation that he did love me and always had.   He said that he told me he hadn't so that I would lose hope in getting back together.  He said he was very much confused and he's not even sure why he broke up with me.  He was overwhelmed and confused so he acted with out really thinking about it.  I understand confusion, but what he did. . .idk.  He purposely hurt me, he made me cry, he broke my heart, he made me believe our entire relationship was nothing more than a lie and something for him to do.  Then he changes his mind and tells me that he loves me and all of that was a lie.  So what was the lie? What was true? What am I supposed to believe? Then I asked him if he wanted me back and he said yes.    Can you say whiplash??? I didn't know what to think.  So I told him that we could start over From the beginning.  We could go on our first date again and see where it goes.  I told him that we could start seeing each other, but I was going to keep my dates with other people.  We weren't together yet, but we would be sooner or later.  I told him I didn't trust him and that he needed to figure out what he really wanted.  I told him that if he really did love me and if I was what he REALLY wanted he would have to prove it to me.  He said he was willing to do that.  He said I was the one he loved and the one he wanted.  So I gave him a chance.  We went to the Fonda Fair for our "first date."  He paid for everything and did all he could to make sure I was happy, just like he has always done.  We went on rides, and he won me 7 stuffed animals that I got to carry around all day.  Then at the end of the night, he drove me home and walked me to the door and we shared our "first kiss." His effort was flattering.  He made me very happy that night and even gave me butterflies.  Then he went home and went back to college the next day, but ended up having to come back because my computer had gotten a virus and was destroying itself!!  So he came back and played hero and saved me :D, then he went home again and came back this weekend to see me, take me out to dinner, spend time together.  He asked me out the other night while he was holding me close in my room.  I had no choice but to say yes.  I do love him very much and always have.  I am scared that the reason he wants me back is because he is once again sad, bored, and lonely and he got jealous that I was doing just fine with out him.  I am scared that this is going to happen again.  I'm scared of his intentions and his ability to hurt me, but I trust him.  If he says he won't then I just have to believe him.  I can't go the rest of my life being afraid because any guy could do the samething to me.  But I told him that if he does decide to do this to me again we will be done.  I will not speak to him, I will block him on every device possible and he will be sooo done.  I won't forgive him again.  I'm giving him another chance and its up to him how he is going to take it.  There will not be a next time.  Until then, we are back together and I love him and he swears left and right that he loves me more than anything.  We will see.  Wish me luck. 

Another Video I made ♥

Once again, I was bored, sad, and lonely because I'm home and Chris is in college so I used that hour and a half, which turned into 2 hours to make this. 

*sigh*

Well, I'm really sad, bored, and lonely right now so I'm posting yet another blog today.  My boyfriend started his college classes today so I didn't get to talk to him until like 4:00 PM and I haven't spoken to him since and it is now after 9:00 PM.  I am so not used to this, I'm used to seeing him every day.  He would come over every morning and leave at like midnight.  It sucks even more that his cell phone is broken so the only way I can talk to him is when he is online (which he never is).  I just got on the computer and saw that he was online so I sent him a message and just as I did, he signed off.  It said that he had been online for 12 mintues so I don't know why he didn't send me a message.  It upsets me that he didn't, he knows I've been missing him like hell.  I may be clingly and needy right now, but we've been together for almost 9 months so I'm allowed to be sometimes.  I'm having a hard time adjusting to this and he's not really making it easier.  I know its not his fault, but idk. . .I think he could make an effort to talk to me a little more.  I know its going to get easier once I get used to this, but right now I'm struggling with it.  I miss him soooooooo much.  I can't wait until he gets another cell phone so I can at least text him and hear his voice at night.  I'm used to him tucking me in at night. . .I don't get that anymore except on weekends.  Is it friday yet??  He is coming home wednesday this week because his classes end early and start late on thursday.  He knows that I miss him so he's going to come home to see me and spend some time with me.  Friday we're going to the state fair, I really hope it doesn't rain.  *sigh* Bored. . .sad. . .lonely.  I'm ranting and going around in circles, oh well.  I just hope I can talk to him before I go to bed.  I only got to talk to him for a few minutes today. . .I don't want to go to bed without talking to him for a little bit and hearing how his day went. . . :(