Yeah well. . .You know.

I'm going to keep this short.  Jason and I broke up, big surprise.  I don't know why I ever expect any of these things to work out when they never do.  There must be something wrong with me because not every single one of these guys I go out with can be as horrible as they seem.  I'm broken, something I've known for a long time.  I should just give up.  FML.  The end.

Two Weeks

Well. . .i'm single again lol.  Ryan and I lasted all of 2 weeks lol and then he broke up with me.  He expects relationships to be like the movies where its love at first sight and everything is perfect. . .oh well.  It wasn't a bad break up, we weren't even fighting, he just came over and told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.  He still wants to be friends and I have mixed feelings about that, but we'll see.  I'm not really upset because I wasn't head over heels or anything near it. . .we were seeing each other for 3 weeks.  So you win some, you lose some.  When one door closes another one opens.  I'm sad because I was happy being with him, and I like being his girlfriend, but he didn't like it.  He says he likes me, he loves spending time with me, kissing me, talking to me and all of that. . .he just doesn't want to be in a relationship.  Idk. . .it sort of makes sense and it sort of doesn't.  Its all good though.  I can still do better and its not like there aren't already people out there that DO want to be with me.  :)

Single

Yeah. . .believe it or not Tim and I are done.  It hurts to tell the story but I will anyways.  I went to a party last weekend.  Before going I asked Tim's permission.  He said I could go and to have fun. . .Well I did just that. . .perhaps a little too much fun.  I guess I don't know my own limits like I thought I did.  I got messed up to the point where I was sitting on the couch talking to someone that wasn't there.  I don't even remember what happened that night. I know I called Tim and I was just beyond messed up.  This worried him and he didn't sleep all night.  The next morning I apologized.  Not only for worrying him and keeping him up but also for getting so messed up.  I told him I wasn't going to get that messed up at a party again unless he was there.  I said sorry. . .he was talking to me for a while and then he said he had to go.  I didn't hear from him again, and I still haven't.  This was sunday.  Well yesterday I was on myspace and I looked at his profile. . .he had been on myspace the day before.  He hadn't talked to me since around noon on sunday.  So he could go online, but he couldn't call me or return my calls or texts or anything.  So I sent him a message on myspace saying just that and that I was done.  I changed my relationship statuses reluctantly as well as my default pictures of us together.  I made our break up "facebook official."  It hurt.  I was more angry that he couldn't bother to tell me we were done, or say he just didn't want to talk to me right now, or anything.  Well I went to go visit my grandma and when I got home he had also changed his relationship status and his picture.  He made it very obvious that he was ignoring me.  I thought he was more mature than that. . .I thought he would say something if he didn't want to be with me. . .or tell me what was going on at least, but I was wrong.  I still haven't heard from him even now that we're broken up.  His mom called me this morning and told me what happened.  She said he was upset about me getting so messed up at the party.  He didn't want to have to worry about me when I go to college and what not while he is busy in the military.  He also doesn't want to stop me from having fun.  Evidently he is still upset, but I don't know about what.  That is why he won't talk to me. . .I asked him permission to go to that party, he said yes, i apologized for getting so messed up and said I wouldn't do that again with out him being here, he told me not to apologize, I was willing to wait here while he was off in Korea or Afghanistan risking his life while I worry and cry EVERY FREAKING NIGHT. . .I was willing to sacrifice everything. . .pretty much my entire life for him.  He wasn't willing to do the same.  So I'm glad.  I'm glad we broke up in that case because 1. he obviously doesn't love me enough for me to spend the rest of my life with him. 2. he plays the "ignoring" game.  3. I'm free now.  I'm not longer tied down the army wife relationship that I was willing to do.  I don't have to do that now.  Now I can find myself a man that will appreciate me and everything I do and not make me sacrifice so much.  I can have a normal marriage to a man that is here.  I can have the wedding I wanted.  So, although it hurts, the break up is more than likely for the best.  Did I love him?  More than I can put into words.  Do I still? I probably always will because thats just how I am.  I still believe we had something special.  He was special to me.  I loved him, but I think. . .in the back of my mind. . .I knew it wasn't going to work out.  I couldn't talk to him. . .he got angry at the littlest of things and he told his family EVERYTHING I told him.  I was lonely and depressed always. . .so its probably for the best.  It hurts still, I still cry and miss him. . .but I'm going to be okay.  Just have to continue my search for the real "one". 

Goodbye Chris

Well if you have read my last few blogs you know that Chris and I broke up, things were doing okay with me and him as "friends" but that all went to hell last night.  After sending him the letter that you can read below, which I admit was a bit harsh, but for the things he said to me, I dont think it was that bad.  If he can be honest and tell me how he feels while forgetting my feelings I can do the samething.  After reading it he still messaged me and continued to talk to me.  I was fine with that.  I told him he couldn't hurt me anymore and that he meant nothing to me anymore.  I told him he had destroyed all feelings I had for him, and I had forgiven him for what he did so I had no feelings of anger, saddness, or hate, nor did I have feelings of affection.  I told him I was starting to see some of his true colors and that wasn't the type of guy I wanted to be with or have anything to do with.  He kept asking me why I hated him and why I was saying these things,  I told him that I didn't hate him at all.  I didn't want to be on an emotional rollercoaster anymore.  I didn't want him to keep giving me false hope and toying with my emotions.  I wasn't going to let him be in a position to hurt me anymore, I'm done getting hurt.  He told me that he still wanted to be friends, and I told him i honestly didn't think I wanted to be anymore.  He was shocked, he couldn't believe I had the balls to finally say this.  I've never been able to stand up to anyone like this.  I've never been able to just say I'm done and I don't want anything more to do with you.  All my life I've wanted to stand up to my father, but I was never able to.  I've never been able to really let go of things all that well.  Even when I was a child and I would catch bugs and catterpillers I never wanted anyone to take them away from me.  I wanted to keep them in my jar until they died and then I would cry.  I would cry and throw a fit when someone would try to take something like that away from me.  I'm not sure why I've never been good at letting go, but I let go of Chris.  I do feel a lot better now.  I do appologize if I hurt him, that wasn't my intent.  I may have been a little harsh in the way that I worded certain things, but I think they were all things he needed to hear and he was doing the samething to me.  I can admit when I'm wrong, and he can't without getting really upset about it.  I do feel bad because he was saying that he didn't have any friends or anyone that is there for him, and I was the only person really there, but he pushed me away and I'm not going to be there if he is going to treat me like crap and hurt me.  So I'm sorry Chris if I hurt you at all, that wasn't my intent, but I have moved on and you need to just do the same.  :D

Confession

After seeing my last couple posts I realized that I have left some things out.  I cannot go on and let you think that I have been perfect.  I have been far from it.  While Chris and I were together I did make a lot of mistakes.  I'm not perfect and I'm still learning, but the break up and all of this wasn't all of his fault.  I will admit that I did NOT do as much for him as he did for me in the relationship.  We both had different ways of showing affection and in his eyes my way of doing it didn't equal his.  I didn't drive out to see him nearly as much as he drove to see me and I could have done it more.  We only lived 15 mintues away but that was no excuse.  The truth is I HATE DRIVING!! So I did leave that up to him to pay for the gas and do all the traveling and I admit that was wrong.  Towards the end I did admit that and I tried to drive to him more, but it was too late.  My way of showing affection was being there when he needed me, holding him at night, telling him I loved him, spending time with him, and sending him cute messages online.  His was taking me out, buying me things and doing things in that manner.  I didn't do that sort of thing as much and I probably should have just to say thank you and show that I cared.  Once again, I did it more towards the end, but it was too late.  I'm also the type of person that gets stressed out easily and I don't deal with it well.  This is the one that I feel the worst about.  I did take a lot out on him.  When I got angry or upset, or stressed out he was the one that heard about it and had to deal with it.  I tried to appologize when ever it would happen but that wasn't enough.  He always put up with it and dealt with it, and he shouldn't have had to.  I shouldn't have taken it out on him and been such a B-word.  I wasn't perfect and these are the things that I did do in our relationship that I take responsibilty for.  I tried to appologize for everything I did because I knew I did it, but it was either too late or not enough. 

Inspiring words from another friend

"ya i dont blame u....but believe me from pictures ive seen, things u wrote, u rly r everything i want. ur not perfect u dont live the perfect princess life but ur strong and u know whats important uk when to hold grudges when to let ur pride fall to the wayside, u genuinely care about ppl no matter what, i dont think i could ever be as strong as u from what i read. i want someone that will actually truly love me and that will open there heart to me and trust me to never break it....ive had so many relationships with girls that always have someone on the side just incase someone that everything that they did for me always had a reason for it and i want someone that will do something for me just because....like when u made him that video about how u loved him and missed him....thats exactly what i would die for....i havnt dealt with family issues like u have but i put up with bullshit relationships that i thought were everything i thought i wanted....i want a girl that will miss me just as much as i miss them.."

This was written to me from another friend of mine.  This really made me smile and brought tears to my eyes.  Just for an update: I found out chris has been reading my emails and got all upset because I was talking to other guys and was doing so well.  He is very jealous that I have all my friends and family here supporting me and he is alone.  He feels that he has no one and when I tried to be there for him he attacked me.  He told me he felt that I did nothing for him in our entire relationship and pretty much said I was a horrible girlfriend.  He can feel however he wants.  He tried to bring me down and make me feel bad, but I didn't let him. Instead, I thought about it and then wrote him a letter saying : "well i've decided i'm not going to be a push over. i'm going to tell you what i think and how i feel and i dont care what you think or do. go ahead and delete me from my friends and block me on aim, you will just be even more alone. chris you are selfish, you are the only one that matters. you're the type of person that will do something for someone only if you get something in return. you don't appreciate just doing something for someone just because. in fact you dont care about other people at all, its all about you. you want me to be hurting right now because you are. you hate it that i have so many friends and family that are there for me and love me and you're left alone. do you know why you are alone chris? because u push everyone away. you dont care about other people so why would they want to care about u? you have an unapproachable personality. Seriously, no one can make you happy. your father says the same thing. nothing anyone does for you will make you happy, you always want more, its never enough. You didn't care that i was here missing you before we broke up. You didn't care that I wanted to talk to u and I was up waiting al the time. You knew how I felt and you didn't care, you just wanted to have fun. Well it looks like the fun is over and where are you? you are alone. You don't have me anymore to waste your time and to make you feel better about yourself. You don't have anyone but yourself and that is all you will have until you grow up and learn its not all about you. You're a very depressing person and you brought me down a lot. You ruined every event that should have been fun for the both of us. You ruined a lot of things for me but I just let it go, I always just let it go. I'm not letting it go now chris. Chris you broke my heart into pieces and then just kept letting me have it until I couldn' ttake anymore. And then I when i was doing better and starting to see other people you got jealous and decided to try to hurt me. Well you didn't hurt me. I dont care chris. I never hurt u nearly as much as you hurt me. You're pathedic for reading my emails. Thats what you do because your bored? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well I hope you are enjoying your self pity. I'm over you chris and I dont care if you never want to speak to me again. Honestly, I think I feel better now than I did the entire time we were together. No more stress. I can do what I want when I want and so can you. I'm still not blocking you or deleting you because when you realize how much of an ass you are, i'm here for you to appologize, and if you don't i'm still okay with that. I dont care what happens to you chris. I ACTUALLY AND SINCERLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE!! I have soo many people that love me and if you dont, well you're just one person. Have a great life if I dont talk to you again and I do wish you the best."

It may have been a bit harsh, but I was really upset and that truely was how I felt.  If he can try to beat me down and hurt me then I can be honest and tell him what I think and how I feel. 

The Fair :(

I've been putting off posting this because it still kind of hurts, but right now I'm feeling sooo much better and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders so I guess this is as good a time as any.  Well this is what happened.  On friday my family and I traveled 2 hours to go to the state fair.  Chris was going to meet us there after his class.  I dropped off my cell phone and his GPS to him on our way up there because his college is on the way that way when he got there he could just text my mom and we could find him.   Well I had been so excited about this event.  The fair is my ideal date: playing games, riding rides, eating horrible food, winning teddy bears. . .Thats what I wanted to do with Chris.  I had been so excited.  Well Chris showed up about 2 hours later than what I had expected, but that didn't really matter because all I wanted was to enjoy the fair with him.  Well after he got there we were talking.  I was telling him how I felt and he was acting sort of funny.  So I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing.  So then. . .I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said "I don't know" but in the form of "yes."  I was shocked, I was so hurt.  Part of me really did know this was coming.  Thats why I made the video and everything because I felt it coming to an end and i wanted to stop it, but I wasn't expecting him to it then.  He knew how excited I was about the fair and how badly I wanted to enjoy it with him.  I begged him not to (I know. . . I'm pathedic. . .I've never begged someone not to go before) Then I felt a panic attack coming on, I didn't want to cry in front of hundreds of people or ruin the fair for my family so I told Chris I wanted to go home.  I told my parents what had happened and they agreed Chris had horrible timing and they felt really bad.  I really wanted to stay, but I didn't want to ruin their fun.  So Chris brought me home.  I had to ride in a car for 2 hours with him and just cry and ask him why and tell him how badly I hurt.  Then he had to stay at the house with me because mom didn't want me alone and I honestly wasn't ready for him to leave yet.  I layed in bed and cried, I wanted nothing more than to die right there.  I told him he was selfish and all he cared about was himself.  I asked him why and he said because he didn't love me anymore and I didn't make him happy.  He told me that for most of it he was happy, but not all of it.  That crushed me.  I felt so horrible.  All I wanted to do was to make him happy, and he didn't.  What made it worse was on Wednesday he had told me that he did love me and that he was happy we were making everything work.  He made it sound like everything was so good and he made me believe he did love me.  He stayed until 11 I think, he fell asleep behind me and I wanted to fall asleep and just let him stay there but he was snoring. . .lol.  I had asked him earlier in one of my crying fits to stay at his house that night instead of going back to college so that I could just see him for a little while tomorrow.  I told him that I needed him and he said that he would be there for me if he could.    He said that he would help me through this.  So he agreed to stay the night.  He told me to wake him up the next morning between 10 and 11 and he would come over and then leave at like 1:30 when I had to go to work.  So I said okay.  Well, the next morning I decided I didn't want to see him.  I had to work that day and I didn't want to cry before work because crying makes me look all puffy, but when 1 o'clock rolled around I really wanted to see him one last time.  So I called him and told him I let him sleep in, but asked him if he would just stop in to work before he left.  He said that he would, and I believed him.  Needless to say he didn't.  I went to work and did all I could to keep it together.  I faked smiles and happy greetings.  As the hours passed I grew more and more depressed because I knew he wasn't coming.  So I called his house just to see if he was still there and his father said he had already left.  Thats when I broke down.  Another lie, and another broken promise. . .nothing more than another disappointment.  I had to leave work early because if I didn't I was going to have a panic attack and I was going to get sick.  I told one of the key holders that I felt sick and he let me leave immediately.  I went home and called my mother to come home because I didn't want to be alone.  She was at our family reunion.  She came home to be with me.  She talked to me and calmed me down because I was hysterical.  She helped me to remember myself and remember my strength.  She helped me realize things and to take a step back.  When I was calm enough I talked to chris.  This is when he admitted to me that he never loved me.  When we had met, I was his first girlfriend.  He was bored and lonely and didn't like to be home.  He never really did much and he wanted some companionship.  Then I came along.  I was his option.  I was the person he could spend every day with and get away from home.  I was something to do.  I was someone that loved him.  I was someone that made him feel better about himself.  He used me for something to do.  Now I can't write this blog and make him seem like a complete asshole even though I would like to.  He was good to me during our entire relationship until we broke up the first time a few weeks ago.  He always treated me well and went out of his way to make and keep me happy.  He went along with what I wanted to do and supported all of my crazy ideas.  He was there for me when I needed him and made me one of the happiest people on the planet for the last 9 months.  So maybe I did live a lie for the last 9 months.  Maybe I did believe in something that wasn't real.  But I was happy. . .and they say never regret something that once made you happy.  and I don't.  I don't regret anything we did together, anything I told him, or anything we shared.  When he admitted this to me thats when I was able to let go.  Thats when I felt better.  I don't know why this made me feel better.  It probably should have made me feel worse.  I think I knew all along this is what our relationship was and the truth. . .made it better?  I don't know but having him admit this to me helped me be okay.  I know it doesn't make sense, at least it doesn't to me, but thats what happened.  So we talked a bit longer and agreed that he's the only one that knows me for me, and I'm the only person that knows him for him.  We agreed that we were more than just a couple, we were bestfriend and even though he did hurt me I will always consider him my bestfriend.  I know what its like to be lonely and to wish for someone to come away and make the pain and loneliness go away so I guess I can't blame him for what he did.  Yes I was used, yes I was lied to. . .but I forgive him because I understand how it feels.  He's just too immature to know what his actions will do to other people.  I'm still too immature to know that.  We decided its best not to talk for a while unless we need to.  We agreed not to delete each other as friends on websites or to block each other.  We agreed to be friends again once this all blows over and we're both able to do that.  I went to bed feeling alone, lied to, used, pathedic, and unloved.  But right now, thanks to all my friends and family, I feel so loved.  He is one person in the world.  I had dinner tonight with 18 family members that love me.  I've gotten support from over 40 people in the last few days, all of which are friends and family.  If I can have 40 people love me, and have one say that he didn't. . .I guess thats okay.  I want to thank my Mom and Soon-To-Be-Dad for being there and talking me through this.  I may be the strong one, but when I'm not you guys are there to hold me up.  I also want to thank Chris's dad and step mom for their prayers and support.  Right now I feel like a weight has been lifted and like I can breath okay for the first time in a while.  I really am going to be okay.