Funerals

So. . .I've mentioned this before, but this is a slightly different situation.  I haven't been to a funeral since November 12, 2007, not because there haven't been any that I was supposed to go to, but because I've avoided going to them.  I've had a few aunts and uncles die in the past 3 years, but I wasn't very close to them so I was able to avoid going.  I know that sounds horrible, but the last funeral I went to was for my cousin Jessie.  I'm not sure what was worse, hearing that she had died, or going to the funeral to see her family and friends. . .and her laying in a box.  As I've said probably 100 times, a big part of me died when I lost Jessie and the funeral. . .I've never been in so much pain in all of my life.  Now, people close to me can't die without it bringing back the emotions and thoughts from when Jessie died.  I feel horrible about that.  I can't deal with someones death, without having to deal with Jessie's again.  I bring this up again because, as you know, David Jones just passed away a few days ago.  I'm not sure of funeral arrangements, but he was my friend and as a friend, I should go to his funeral.  I am shaking right now just thinking about it.  I know I am going to have to go to a funeral again. . .I know I'm going to have to do it, but I am petrified.  I never want to feel the pain that I felt when I was at Jessie's funeral again.  I cried the entire time.  I cried the 6 days before and for weeks after.  I still cry sometimes when I think about it.  Jessie's death changed my life.  Going to another funeral is going to be like reliving Jessie's.  I know that sounds horrible because a persons funeral should be about them, and the people there should be paying respects and mourning that person. . .not another.  But I will be there, not only mourning them, but I will also be thinking about Jessie as well. 

Mini Rant for The Day

Ok, I was trying to creatively explain my thoughts and feelings right now and it wasn't coming out right so I'm just going to be blunt.  I'm retarded sometimes and (I'm going to blame my frontal lobe right now) and because my frontal lobe isn't fully developed and I can't foresee the future outcome of my decisions I sometimes make bad decisions that, at first seem like its all going to be good, but then end very badly.  As a result of this I'm embarrassed and let down. . .but I guess its okay that I still can't really feel anything and I have this Great Wall of China wrapped around my heart.  So thats my mini rant.  The End.  Peace and Love.

I am Human

Have you ever pricked your finger with a needle?  Burned yourself on a hot pan?  What does it feel like?  It hurts doesn't it?  Did you know. . .that it hurts me too?  Have you ever been afraid of the dark?  Or woken up from a nightmare and were afraid?  Did you kno. . .that those things scare me too?  Has anyone ever said something hurtful, or made some rude remark?  How did you feel?  Yeah. . .it makes me sad too.  Have you ever been out with friends laughing, singing, telling jokes?  Did you know. . .that I do those things too?  Have you ever smiled?  Cried?  Laughed?  Screamed into a pillow?  Sang in the shower?  Yeah. . .me too.  I am a human. . .I bleed when poked.  I get scars when cut deep or burned.  I cry when I'm afraid or sad or heartbroken.  I walk with my head down when someone stabs me in the back or offends me.  I yell when I get angry.  I laugh when someone says something funny.  I smile at babies and cute animals.  I try to help other people when they need me.  I care about other people, especially friends and family, but not only because people in general matter to me.  I am human just like you.  The same things that make you bleed, make me bleed.  The same things that make you laugh, make me laugh.  The same emotions you feel. . .I feel.  So put yourself in my shoes, and I will try to do the same.  We are human.  Different. . .but the same. 

You're so Vain, You Probably Think This Blog Is About You

I just want to clarify something.  I understand there could easily be some confusion about the last post that I wrote.  That post. . .Yeah. . .it WAS NOT about Tim.  It was about an ex, but it was not about that ex.  So that should fix some confusion.  I don't want Tim back. . .I'm much more content being single than being in a relationship with someone in the military.  I hold nothing against him and no hard feelings, but I don't want that back.  So yeah. . .just to clarify.  I'm in love with someone else and it took me this long to realize my mistake and to admit my feelings.  I love you. . .and you know who you are. 

A Moment Too Late

I was a moment too late when I realized that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me.  I realized after i pushed you away. . .after I convinced myself that you weren't as special as you truely were.  I realized after I left gashes in your heart with a razor.  I realized after I left you bleeding on the floor.  Then someone else came, cleaned you up, and brought you home.  I was a moment too late when I realized that I loved you more than anything.  I was a moment too late when I realized you were gone. . .forever. . .That you were my life. . .and my air. . .and now i'm drounding in my mistakes.  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to cry.  I don't mean to tell you this now. . .after its already too late, but if I dont say it now it will never get said.  I loved you, and I still do.  You took care of me, and you loved me, and you treated me like I was something special.  I gave that up. . .why??  because i'm stupid?  because I was scared?  I don't know why. . .but I did.  Now its a moment too late and I can't take it back.  All I can do is hope that someday I will get another chance to make it right.  All I can do it hope and pray.

Unnamed Emotion

It's an unnamed emotion brewing in my chest.
My heart feels like its moving in styrofoam.
My lungs feel like cling wrap.
My stomach just went on a rollercoaster.
And my head. . .oh my head. . .Its like a never ending nightmare.
My shoulders and chest are heavy.
And my eyes are always damp.
Is the world spinning around me?  It feels that way.
My skin feels creepy crawly, do you know what I mean?
And when I exhale, It feels like I've been holding my breath for an eternity.
Have you felt this emotion?  This unnamed emotion?
Where you always feel like crying, but you're too ashaimed to cry?
You can't get enough air to really breath.
Every movement feels wrong, and uncomfortable?
How long does it last? 
When will it all ware off?
Will it be like this forever? 
I just want to breath.

Depressed. . .

I've been feeling really depressed since late last night, and its carried over into today.  I didn't sleep very well last night because I have so much on my mind and I've been in such a fog all day today.  I feel like I'm standing in the woods with two paths in front of me. both flourished with flowers and beauty but i see a rain cloud in the distance. which path will keep me dry and safe? which path will be more fun? Most of all. . .which path is the right path?  Its never good when I start thinking and thats what I've been doing since last night.  I wonder if what I'm doing is right and I try to think about all possible outcomes and it just depresses me.  I love my boyfriend very much, but at the same time I feel so alone.  Its hard to explain, but I'm trying.  I feel so detached from everyone lately.  I've been too busy to hang out with my friends, work, school, theatre are all I have time for and I feel so overwhelmed.  I just want to cry.  Last night when I was with Tim, we had to go over to his bestfriends house who Tim lives with most of the time.  While we were there Tim told me I could look at his cell phone but he warned me that he had nudey pix of his ex and old text messages.  He hadn't deleted them because his phone is shut off atm and so he hasn't used it really since they were together.  I didn't mind though because I know they are broken up and he is with me now and its all good.  But seeing the pictures of her and reading the texts really got to me.  I didn't say anything because there is nothing to say.  I have no clue why I feel this way, but I do.  I feel awful.  It has been eating at me and I really just need to get it out.  Why is it bothering me so badly?  Its not like he is cheating on me or anything.  I know he loves me.  I've had ex boyfriends, and I understand he has ex girlfriends. . .I dont get it.  ugh I hate feeling like this and being so depressed. 

The Single Me

All I can really say is the "Single Me" sucks.  I haven't been single since early December and I'm far from used to it.  I've been out a few times since Chris broke up with me and it all feels so weird.  I'm not used to starting from the beginning again and getting to know someone and flirting and playing hard to get and what not.  Its not fun at all.  I don't want to come across as to clingy or like I'm pushing someone away but I sincerely have no clue what I'm doing anymore!! Not to mention I have no clue how to feel about anything.  Right now my heart is covered in lead and surrounded by a fence guarded by raptors and the raptors are surrounded by a mote filled with sharks.  So yeah. . .its not really easy to get in there right now.  I feel almost numb.  I mean, I have feelings for people, I feel happy and what not. . .but its different.  I can't feel pain right now. . .I don't feel especially good, but I can feel okay.  You could murder my bestfriend and I'm not sure I would feel it.  I mean, this is what I asked for, never to feel pain again, but I'm a little concerned about this.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling.  I know I feel strong for getting over him like I did.  I feel scared of letting someone in and letting them hurt me again.  I'm scared that I'm going to push people away due to my fear.  Maybe I started dating too fast but everyone was encouraging me so much to move on. . .maybe I took that a little too literally and started too fast.  Maybe I need to just stop and think for a little while and figure things out for myself.  I have no idea whats going on.  If you're reading this I'm sure you've noticed that even my thoughts are all over the place.  I wish I could see the future because then I wouldn't make mistakes.  I would know what is going to happen.  I don't regret anything that I've done in the past because I've learned (the hard way) from everything I've done, but I'd really like to stop doing that.  I'd really like to sail through the rest of life happily with minor speed bumps.  Here I go off on a tangent. . .back to dating.  I do enjoy it.  I like the attention and I like the feeling I get when I'm with certain people.  I like knowing that people are attracted to me.  I'm just not sure what I'm doing right now.  *sigh* "Passion. . .Confusion. . .Pain. . .Torture. . .and Love. . .and Hate"~Matt Soto (yes, from Nonagon)