War

Mood: Thoughtful

Weather: Cold. . .It F**king snowed last night!!!

Okay think with me here:  I am a person, a human being, yes?  Are you?  I am a female, are you?  If not then you are probably a male, correct?  I have lived for 19 years, celebrated 19 birthdays.  I have a mother, a biological father, and a chosen (adopted) father.  I have an older step sister, a younger sister, and two younger brothers, though one of which I haven't seen since he was an infant (he is my biological fathers son).  I go to school.  I work.  I have a boyfriend.  I have friends.  I have hobbies.  I have emotions.  I have daily activities.  Sometimes I laugh.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I fall in love.  I have pictures.  I have memories.  I have dreams.  I have values, and morals, and beliefs, and understandings, and ideals!  Do you?  We all may be different, and have different families, thoughts, feelings, reactions, ideals, morals, beliefs, etc.  But we all have families.  We all have a mother that gave birth to us, and a father that helped created us. . .even if they are no longer around or in our lives.  We have people we care about, and others that care about us.  We have memories.  We have dreams.  So what I will never understand is how one person could kill another.  I will never understand war.  How thousands of man can band together to go kill each other.  To kill another person.  Have you ever lost a person?  Do you know what it feels like to have someone ripped away from you?  I don't care who you are, those feelings are the same.  Think about if you lost your best friend?  Your brother?  Your sister?  Your wife?  Your boyfriend?  When we go to war and kill other people. . .who do you think we are taking away?  Someone's son.  Someone's friend.  Someone's lover.  Someone's parent.  Just like we are losing.  I don't know, I don't think I will ever understand the point. 

Decisions

Mood: Distracted

Weather:  Sunny, warm, breezy :)))

According to Social Scientists, our brains aren't fully developed until, on average, the age of 25.  The part that is continuing to develop is the frontal lobe which helps us to foresee the future outcomes of our decisions, as well as emotions and such.  Well I'm 19 so apparently my frontal lobe isn't completely developed and therefore I am incapable of adequately determining the outcomes of the decisions I make. . .but I try to make up for it.  I try to plan, and set goals for myself and plan my life accordingly around these goals.  I try to weigh the pros and cons of each option before making a decision.  I make decisions that will not only positively affect myself, but those around me as well.  I attempt to look into my future and see how the decisons I make now will impact my life either a week from now, or 20 years from now.  However, sometimes I wonder if I make decisions for the wrong reasons.  If I make a decison for the right reason, but with bad intentions. . .is that a good or bad decision?  Or if I made a decision for the wrong reasons, but with good intentions. . .what kind of decision is that?  How can you really know how each decision in life is going to pan out?  And how do you go about making such decision?  Do you make choices based on fears?  Goals?  The people around you?  I try to make good decisons for myself, even though I don't always succeed.  Sometimes I make decisions because I think they will make other people happy, conversely I sometimes make decisions because it will made me happy.  I have goals and plans for my life, I know where I WANT to be in 10 years and I try to make decisions that will help me be the person and have the lifestyle that I want to have then even though they don't always go along with what other people think is right and want for me.  So are those decisions good or bad?  I have to say, I've never really been good at making decisions for myself because it is soooooo hard to make everyone and myself happy at the same time, and yes I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER!  But I think I'm finally getting over that and starting to be able to make decisions for myself because its my life.  I make decisions that are going to help ME reach MY goals.  I make decisions that will help me later in life with a family, a house, children etc.  But even still, I sometimes wonder if I'm making good decisions, and if they are for the right reasons, and with good intentions.  I'm not sure we can always do that, and I guess it comes down to weighing the pros and cons not only for your benefit, but for those around you (alive or unborn).  I know this post is kind of vague, its sort of me just reasonsing "out loud :P"  Just food for thought :)

College: FMCC Edition Part IV

Overall I have to say that I am very pleased with my decision to transfer to FMCC...so far anyways.  One thing I've noticed that is different is the professors.  At FM none of my professors are doctors, and none of them seem very arrogant and talk to their students like they are better than them.  In all of my classes the professors told their stories of how they made it to where they are today to show that they can relate to many of us.  They all seem so much more down to earth and like normal people, that wasn't the case at Oneonta at all in my opinion.  At Oneonta almost all of my professors were doctors and almost all of them were very arrogant and cocky.  I also enjoy walking through the hallway and seeing people I went to high school with, its comforting to me.  Not only that, but one of my professors knows my family and used to work with my father.  So I'm definately getting more of a "homey" and comfortable feel at FMCC.  I am very happy to be back in school as well.  I'm in such a better mood and feeling so much better about myself now that I'm getting up every day, getting dressed and doing something.  I really haven't had to do that since early October.  I get a sense of pride from going to school full time and working part time and I just feel so much better in general.  I like all of my classes as well as my professors so far. . .So as I said, I'm pretty happy with my decision and I hope everything continues to go well :)

Dedicated to the GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD!!!

You told me to stop being insecure. . .what you don't realize is that I did.  You don't like the more confident me.  You don't like the me that doesn't need your approval to be happy.  You told me to stop being insecure. . .I slept on that.  Confidence comes from being happy with one's self and feeling comfortable within one's skin.  I'm much more happy with myself when I'm not doing things that make me uncomfortable to make you happy.  I didn't grow confidence over night. . .it doesn't happen that way, but I took the first step.  The second step was getting rid of the people that bring me down.  I did that too when I said I was over with this.  You didn't like that either.  I took your advice. . .that didn't make you happy either. . .Sorry, I tried, but I'm done now.  Then, you decided to try to put me down by insulting me with something I came crying to you about before.  Goodjob, did that make you feel better?  I hope so.  Later.

What Do I Want To Write About Today?

Do I want to write about how you kiss me?
No.
Do I want to write about holding hands?
No.
Do I want to write about the sweet things you say to me?
Nah.
Do I want to write about how much I hate being away from you?
Nope.
I want to write about the things that don't have words to describe.
I want to write about the butterflies you give me every time I talk to you.
And how I smile every time I see your face.
I want to write about how you take my breath away with the slightest touch.
I want to write about how happy you make me.
The words don't exist, but I can try.
Have you ever been in the back seat of a car and gone down a big hill and got that funny feeling in your tummy? 
Have you ever smiled during a movie when the girl finally realizes how much she really cares about that guy next door that has been in love with her since elementary school?
Have ever had the wind knocked out of you and it took you a minute to catch it?
Now imagine the happiest moment of your life, and how you felt right then and there.
Combine all of these things. . .thats what I want to write about.  Thats how you make me feel.

College (some high roman numeral, I have no idea where we are anymore :P)

So today was ACTUALLY a really good day.  Dispite the fact that I've been sick the last few days, today was good.  I was tempted to just stay in bed and not go to classes today, but I pushed myself and in my first class we got to watch Into the Woods, which is one of my favorites.  The weather was really nice, so that felt good as well.  I went to dinner with Rob and Andrew, and although the food kinda sucked, I enjoyed the company as always.  Then Josh came over to get notes for the CLASS HE SKIPPED! and I ended up reading his tarot cards and his horoscope and harassing him for about 2 hours lol, and that was probably the most fun I've had sober since I've been here.  That put me in the gypsy mood so I texted Audrey to see if I could read her tarot cards and she made delicious cake.  Cake always puts a smile on peoples faces, and before I knew it, I was really feeling better. Maybe things are looking up?

Home for the Weekend

So I went home this weekend to go to a football game and see some friends and family.  I love seeing my friends from highschool and I miss them to death.  After the football game this evening a bunch of my friends and I decided to get slushies like we used to.  As we were driving through town and I looked around I felt. . .lost.  I went home because I've been so depressed at college and I feel like I don't quite fit in yet, but when I got home. . .I felt like I didn't really belong there either anymore.  I went to the football game and was amazed at all the faces I didn't know and I only graduated a few months ago.  Last year, I knew everyone.  Then, as I was driving thought town and seeing all the different places, I started remembering things, moments, events I shared with people in these places. . .but remembered that I don't live here anymore and everything here is JUST memories.  I had a blast with my friends, it was the best night I've had probably since I left for college and I was actually sober. . .but at the same time I feel like we're all going in different directions now and we all have new lives, we're no longer like puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly.  It makes me sad because. . .I have no idea where I fit.  I don't feel like I fit in at college and know my place there, and I no longer fit in at home. . .where do I belong?  I hate feeling like this. . .I hate being so lost. . .I want to go back to being happy, and enjoying every minute of life with the people that I love most.  I know you're all probably getting sick of my melodramatic, depressing posts so I promise I'll pick up the beat soon. . .just need to vent I guess.

Toy

Apparently this is me.  A toy. . .a doll.  That must be how people see me.  A doll doesn't move, doesn't feel, doesn't cry. . .doesn't live.  A doll can be played with, cherished for a few moments and then tossed away once the owner gets bored.  People must think I am a doll. . .they play with my head and my emotions and think its okay.  Do they think I won't care?  Do they think I won't feel anything?  They must think I won't be upset if I get thrown away once they've used me up.  They must think I'm only here for their enjoyment and to assist their needs.  If thats all I'm worth then why the fuck am I here?  I'm not just going to sit there and smile while I'm toyed with and then thrown away.  I won't let it happen. 

Just an Update

Well I think i've fought through the worst part of the storm.  I'm not feeling as depressed, which believe it or not was a result of a conversation I had with Ryan a few days before we broke up.  Cassie and I are friends again which makes me happy and takes a lot of stress off of me.  Its so much easier to love her than to avoid her.  Love you Cassie ♥♥♥  I'm done with my AP English Test and I think I did really well.  Things are starting to settle down again and I'm doing okay.  I haven't had a nightmare in 4 days :) which is a record for me.  I'm still stressing about paying for college especially because I am, somehow, getting $1,000 less than I was originally getting (wtf?!?!) but I'm accepted and I'm going to make it work somehow.  I'm going to sell my car because I can't use it for a few years and I'll use that money to help pay for college.  Its a 95 tan Honda accord. . .wagon :P with like 64,000 miles on it.  Its a good car :) I think we're selling it for like $3500.  The weather is beautiful and for the most part things are good.  I think i've made it out of this slump :)  Sometimes I get scared though when a lot of bad shit happens to me.  For some reason I feel like a target and I just keep getting hit with more stuff that I have to deal with like not having my real father, my cousin dying, Jack dying, Adam dying, multiple family members dying, my grandma being ill, my domestic family issues, school, issues with friends, relationship drama. . .everything.  I get scared because I wonder if I'm going to grow immune to it.  If this keeps happening am I just not going to hurt anymore?? Is it a good thing not to hurt?  I'm not sure if I would rather be immune to pain or feel it. . .and if I'm immune to pain, will I eventually grow immune to happiness as well??  I'm a pretty happy, upbeat person for the most part, but I've dealt with a lot and faced a lot of challenges.  I always try to be optimistic and see the good in every situation but after a while that gets hard and thats when I get myself into some of these slumps.  I just hope I can go a few months w/o anything really bad happening or a bunch of little things all happening at once.  :) I would much rather be happy.

Dream

Its not often that I dream about my cousin that passed away.  I used to a lot shortly after she died, but lately I don't.  I dreamed about her last night.  She told me she faked her death, I don't remember her reasoning why or how, but thats what she told me.  I got to talk to her, and hug her. . .it was so real.  It was like she was there.  I even said to her in my dream that I was afraid that was a dream and I didn't want to wake up. . .I was scared of waking up.  Shortly after saying that I woke up, and once again. . .she's gone.  I really don't mind dreaming about her, I actually like it because I get to see her and talk to her again.  It feels like its really her. . .it always does.  I miss her so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, but when she's in my dreams. . .its like she's there and just for a moment I get to forget about the pain and thank god that I get to spend one more moment with her. 

Venting/Ranting

Sometimes I wonder why I don't just give up.  Perhaps I already have.  My apathy is overwhelming. . .its getting to the point where almost NOTHING matters to me anymore.  The stuff thats left. . .its slipping through my fingers.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a sky scraper. . .immobile as the whole thing crashes above my head and drags me down.  When will it stop?  When will these challenges stop being thrown at me?  Why can't I just have it easy for a little while?  Haven't I lost enough?  Haven't I suffered enough?  Sometimes I feel so fragile. . .I think the wind will just tear me apart and blow me away.  There would be nothing left.  Maybe there already isn't anything left.  Am I just a hollow shell going through the motions?  Is there anything left inside of me?  Maybe I'm dried up. . .maybe I cried my heart and soul away and now there is nothing left of me.  If this is karma, what did I do?  All my life all I have wanted to do is help people. . .maybe I have no worth.  Maybe I'm nothing.  Maybe I was an accident of creation and my existence is meaningless.  I don't mean to be so emo. . .I'm really not.  I'm normally a very upbeat, optimistic person for those who know me.  Its just getting to be too much.  I've lost soo many people to death.  I've lost soo many people just from losing them.  I think I may have lost myself in the mix.  Maybe this is death. . .it just takes a while for the body to follow the soul.  Can you cry yourself to death?  Can emotional pain kill you?  Can nightmares kill you?  I don't mean to be so morbid and so depressing. . .I don't really cry anymore. . .I hurt but I brush it off and hold it in.  Thats what I mean by apathy.  Instead of crying. . .I just don't care, but I don't feel better so I'm not really happy. . .too much on my mind.  To much falling apart and going to hell around me.  I need to excape.  I need to move. . .to breath, but I can't.  I'm trapped in this mortal hell.  Trapped in this world, this town, this house, this body. . .trapped in my own freaking mind.  Things. . .thoughts. . .words longing to escape but can't find the exit.  There is nothing lighting the way out.  So I sit here pondering my pain, unable to fix it. . .apologizing for my negativity as I vent in my blog.  Maybe I should just forfeit and wave my white flag.  Surrender myself to this fate instead of attempt to fight it.  Maybe slipping into the quick sand isn't so bad.  Maybe its painless.  Fighting it is exausting. . .whats the point?  I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. . .I don't so an end to this war let alone this battle.  I see nothing ahead.  Just painful pictures of my past that won't disappear.  Thats all I see. 

Letter to Cassie

Dear Cassie,
I'm writing this directly to you and also allowing whoever else to read it because there are a few things in this letter that other people need to see as well.  I am honestly sorry if I upset you by not venting all of my problems to you and letting you be the shoulder I cried on, but I have my own reasons for not doing so that have nothing to do with you.  I don't like telling other people my problems.  I handle them myself unless I can't.  If I need help, I have no problem asking for it, but I don't like to weigh other people down with my problems.  I like keeping the mood light.  I am more of a listener, I will always be there for someone else no matter what the problem is and who the person is.  Its just me.  I like to help people and I feel I am do people a favor by not whining, complaining, and venting to them.  I vent on my blog.  With writing.  Sometimes I'm not direct about what I'm venting about, but its personal to me and it makes me feel better. . .everyone is different.  I totally agree we have grown apart this year.  We really haven't been friends much at all this year.  Thats okay, it happens.  I can't tell you how many friends I've grown apart from just in the 4 years of high school, its life. . .it happens.  If it happens with us, well it pretty much already has, its okay.  Am I sorry it happened?? Yes of course.  Cassie I love you to death even when we are fighting, even when you're being a total bitch. . .unconditional love babe.  I don't think there is much you could do for me not to love you to death.  We have been very close friends, and you've been one of my bestfriends for years now.  I have told you everything and that never stopped. . .we just stopped having opportunities for me to tell you everything.  I've always been there for you, and even if we aren't friends and you need someone I will still be there for you in the future. . .just the way I am.  You have always been there for me too when I needed you and I am very greatful.  Sorry I made you uncomfy around me because I wasn't being open with you or whatever. . .yes our friendship changed and we grew apart.  I'm sorry.  And I'm sorry if I upset you.  Regardless, you hurt me very deeply.  You said things that you know nothing about and couldn't know anything about without me telling you and explaining. . .even then you might not unless you experience them.  You implied things that hurt my feelings and if you believe they are true then I don't honestly believe you were ever my friend because if you were you would know better.  You should know me better than just about anyone else even if I haven't been completely open with you for the last few months.  I honestly think part of it was that you've been upset with me for a while now and were looking for an opportunity to express that and hurt my feelings.  Its a human thing to want to hurt someone that upset you and I think you used that as your opportunity.  I'm sorry if you feel that my hurt feelings were blown out of proportion. . .didn't realize that feeling that way as a response was wrong. . .but whatever.  You know what I think, You know how I feel.  I wish you the best of luck.  Sorry it all happened this way but I'm graduating soon so you won't have to worry about it.  I know you already "Don't care"  just like you don't care about just about everything, but I care.  So I said what I had to say. 

Sincerely,
Jocie

Horrible Freaking Day

Today has just been awful.  To start, I had a confrontation with some friends because they feel the need to give their input about my life and decisions when they don't even know the situation.  Then I come home and my mom tells me we have to get rid of our cats because she has had Pneumonia for like 2 months and can't get rid of it because of the cats.  So I'm mad, and sad, and heartbroken. . .so I go over to Ryan's house and he always makes me feel 100x better, and he did, but then my boss calls me and says she's too busy to take all of this on by herself and needs me to come over.  So I had to leave Ryan, which made me sad and go to work.  It takes me about 25 minutes to get from Little Falls to where I work, so by the time I get there she really isn't busy anymore.  One table is leaving and the other two are getting their food. . .so I left for pretty much nothing.  My boss felt bad though that I left for nothing and gave me $10.  She does take care of me and she has good intentions but ughhh.  She apologized but then said "you should really try to stay near by around dinner time"  ughh.  So she doesn't want me to go anywhere EVER just in case she needs me to come in.  Sorry, I have a life.  Not a huge one, but a life none the less.  It bothered me that she said that.  I love Sace with all my heart and I love my job, but UGHHH.  Then I go home.  Yes home and my mother tells me to sit down.  Immediately I think "great, more bad news" and I was right.  I had a CAT scan taken of my sinuses the other day because I've been having such bad headaches I can't function.  Evidently my sinuses are soooo clogged that I have to see a specialist.  They have to stick a needle up my nose and numb my sinuses so they can drain them.  Okay, first of all, I HATE doctors.  I don't mind needles and what not, but NOT UP MY NOSE!!  I got tested for swine flu with that nose swab dealy and that hurt and freaked me out enough.  I really hope they can put me to sleep or something because I WILL have a panic attack and I'm just going to freak out.  Ryan said he would go with me if he wasn't at school when I had to have all of this done.  Ughh.  It has just been a shitty day and because I'm under soo much stress a nightmare is almost guaranteed.  Hopefully tomorrow is better.  *SIGH*

Untitled :)

If you don't know anything about something, or someone. . .don't judge.  Don't make comments.  Don't give your input because you haven't the slightest clue about what is going on or anything about it.  I know what is going on.  I know what it is.  I know the difference between right is wrong.  I know myself.  I never EVER want to feel like I have to regret something that makes me happy and I feel good about.  So if you're truly my friend, don't make me feel that way.  If I'm happy, we're happy, and we're not hurting anyone (not to mention it concerns no one other than us) why is it wrong??  Why does it matter?  Maybe when you grow up a little and experience a little bit more, granted i've probably experienced more than I needed to or should have, maybe then you'll understand.  Until then, just don't cast judgement. . .because you just don't know. 

You're so Vain, You Probably Think This Blog Is About You

I just want to clarify something.  I understand there could easily be some confusion about the last post that I wrote.  That post. . .Yeah. . .it WAS NOT about Tim.  It was about an ex, but it was not about that ex.  So that should fix some confusion.  I don't want Tim back. . .I'm much more content being single than being in a relationship with someone in the military.  I hold nothing against him and no hard feelings, but I don't want that back.  So yeah. . .just to clarify.  I'm in love with someone else and it took me this long to realize my mistake and to admit my feelings.  I love you. . .and you know who you are. 

A Moment Too Late

I was a moment too late when I realized that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me.  I realized after i pushed you away. . .after I convinced myself that you weren't as special as you truely were.  I realized after I left gashes in your heart with a razor.  I realized after I left you bleeding on the floor.  Then someone else came, cleaned you up, and brought you home.  I was a moment too late when I realized that I loved you more than anything.  I was a moment too late when I realized you were gone. . .forever. . .That you were my life. . .and my air. . .and now i'm drounding in my mistakes.  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to cry.  I don't mean to tell you this now. . .after its already too late, but if I dont say it now it will never get said.  I loved you, and I still do.  You took care of me, and you loved me, and you treated me like I was something special.  I gave that up. . .why??  because i'm stupid?  because I was scared?  I don't know why. . .but I did.  Now its a moment too late and I can't take it back.  All I can do is hope that someday I will get another chance to make it right.  All I can do it hope and pray.

Depressed. . .

I've been feeling really depressed since late last night, and its carried over into today.  I didn't sleep very well last night because I have so much on my mind and I've been in such a fog all day today.  I feel like I'm standing in the woods with two paths in front of me. both flourished with flowers and beauty but i see a rain cloud in the distance. which path will keep me dry and safe? which path will be more fun? Most of all. . .which path is the right path?  Its never good when I start thinking and thats what I've been doing since last night.  I wonder if what I'm doing is right and I try to think about all possible outcomes and it just depresses me.  I love my boyfriend very much, but at the same time I feel so alone.  Its hard to explain, but I'm trying.  I feel so detached from everyone lately.  I've been too busy to hang out with my friends, work, school, theatre are all I have time for and I feel so overwhelmed.  I just want to cry.  Last night when I was with Tim, we had to go over to his bestfriends house who Tim lives with most of the time.  While we were there Tim told me I could look at his cell phone but he warned me that he had nudey pix of his ex and old text messages.  He hadn't deleted them because his phone is shut off atm and so he hasn't used it really since they were together.  I didn't mind though because I know they are broken up and he is with me now and its all good.  But seeing the pictures of her and reading the texts really got to me.  I didn't say anything because there is nothing to say.  I have no clue why I feel this way, but I do.  I feel awful.  It has been eating at me and I really just need to get it out.  Why is it bothering me so badly?  Its not like he is cheating on me or anything.  I know he loves me.  I've had ex boyfriends, and I understand he has ex girlfriends. . .I dont get it.  ugh I hate feeling like this and being so depressed.