Yeah well. . .You know.

I'm going to keep this short.  Jason and I broke up, big surprise.  I don't know why I ever expect any of these things to work out when they never do.  There must be something wrong with me because not every single one of these guys I go out with can be as horrible as they seem.  I'm broken, something I've known for a long time.  I should just give up.  FML.  The end.

Single. . .again :P What else is new?? :)

The Image Speaks For Itself

Two Weeks

Well. . .i'm single again lol.  Ryan and I lasted all of 2 weeks lol and then he broke up with me.  He expects relationships to be like the movies where its love at first sight and everything is perfect. . .oh well.  It wasn't a bad break up, we weren't even fighting, he just came over and told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.  He still wants to be friends and I have mixed feelings about that, but we'll see.  I'm not really upset because I wasn't head over heels or anything near it. . .we were seeing each other for 3 weeks.  So you win some, you lose some.  When one door closes another one opens.  I'm sad because I was happy being with him, and I like being his girlfriend, but he didn't like it.  He says he likes me, he loves spending time with me, kissing me, talking to me and all of that. . .he just doesn't want to be in a relationship.  Idk. . .it sort of makes sense and it sort of doesn't.  Its all good though.  I can still do better and its not like there aren't already people out there that DO want to be with me.  :)

Being Single

I think I remember why I hate being single, and I prefer being in a relationship. . .he keeps me safe.  He, whom ever he is, keeps me safe, in line, and keeps dangers away from me.  He protects me when I can't defend myself.  He makes the nightmares, and the monsters go away.  He kisses the tears away and holds me in his arms while whispering "it will all be okay."  I'm not always smart about things, and I don't always think. . .he does that for me.  Maybe staying single isn't in my best interest?  Maybe its better for me to be with someone. . .  Not only to keep me safe, but to share things with.  To be, or not to be. . .single.

That Guy

I'm looking for a guy that likes the stars.  A guy that likes to sit in the grass and just look at them.  I'm looking for a guy that likes to kiss after eating garlic.  A guy that likes warm weather, snuggling, long movies, and quiet staring.  I want a guy that likes to make plans spur of the moment.  A guy that always smells nice, has a big family, and likes to laugh at nothing.  A guy that loves music, and love stories, and silly games like peek-a-boo. A guy that will kiss me first thing in the morning, and right before we fall asleep.  Someone that will drive my car because I don't want to, will listen to my stories even if i've already told them once, will let me wake them up in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare and can't sleep, will kiss my tears away and make the monsters disappear.  Someone that will make me feel beautiful when I look my worst and make me feel alive when I'm feeling down.  Someone that will whisper he loves me when I'm asleep on his lap.  Someone that plays video games while I read, and lets me play with him even though I suck.  Someone that will surprise me with flowers and pick me up from school just because.  Someone that will eat my cooking even if its horrible, someone who will make me laugh when I feel like I'm about to cry.  Someone that will make my mom laugh, and my dad smile.  Someone who will play games with my brother and sister, pick on my friends, and read my blog.  The guy that will tuck me in at night, argue with me about who loves who more or about silly things just so we can talk about something and laugh.  I just want a guy that will love me like no one ever has, kiss me like he will never get another chance, touch me like I'm the only other human being on the planet, and let me love him back just as much.  I want that guy.  I want my prince charming. 

Single ☺

Single

Yeah. . .believe it or not Tim and I are done.  It hurts to tell the story but I will anyways.  I went to a party last weekend.  Before going I asked Tim's permission.  He said I could go and to have fun. . .Well I did just that. . .perhaps a little too much fun.  I guess I don't know my own limits like I thought I did.  I got messed up to the point where I was sitting on the couch talking to someone that wasn't there.  I don't even remember what happened that night. I know I called Tim and I was just beyond messed up.  This worried him and he didn't sleep all night.  The next morning I apologized.  Not only for worrying him and keeping him up but also for getting so messed up.  I told him I wasn't going to get that messed up at a party again unless he was there.  I said sorry. . .he was talking to me for a while and then he said he had to go.  I didn't hear from him again, and I still haven't.  This was sunday.  Well yesterday I was on myspace and I looked at his profile. . .he had been on myspace the day before.  He hadn't talked to me since around noon on sunday.  So he could go online, but he couldn't call me or return my calls or texts or anything.  So I sent him a message on myspace saying just that and that I was done.  I changed my relationship statuses reluctantly as well as my default pictures of us together.  I made our break up "facebook official."  It hurt.  I was more angry that he couldn't bother to tell me we were done, or say he just didn't want to talk to me right now, or anything.  Well I went to go visit my grandma and when I got home he had also changed his relationship status and his picture.  He made it very obvious that he was ignoring me.  I thought he was more mature than that. . .I thought he would say something if he didn't want to be with me. . .or tell me what was going on at least, but I was wrong.  I still haven't heard from him even now that we're broken up.  His mom called me this morning and told me what happened.  She said he was upset about me getting so messed up at the party.  He didn't want to have to worry about me when I go to college and what not while he is busy in the military.  He also doesn't want to stop me from having fun.  Evidently he is still upset, but I don't know about what.  That is why he won't talk to me. . .I asked him permission to go to that party, he said yes, i apologized for getting so messed up and said I wouldn't do that again with out him being here, he told me not to apologize, I was willing to wait here while he was off in Korea or Afghanistan risking his life while I worry and cry EVERY FREAKING NIGHT. . .I was willing to sacrifice everything. . .pretty much my entire life for him.  He wasn't willing to do the same.  So I'm glad.  I'm glad we broke up in that case because 1. he obviously doesn't love me enough for me to spend the rest of my life with him. 2. he plays the "ignoring" game.  3. I'm free now.  I'm not longer tied down the army wife relationship that I was willing to do.  I don't have to do that now.  Now I can find myself a man that will appreciate me and everything I do and not make me sacrifice so much.  I can have a normal marriage to a man that is here.  I can have the wedding I wanted.  So, although it hurts, the break up is more than likely for the best.  Did I love him?  More than I can put into words.  Do I still? I probably always will because thats just how I am.  I still believe we had something special.  He was special to me.  I loved him, but I think. . .in the back of my mind. . .I knew it wasn't going to work out.  I couldn't talk to him. . .he got angry at the littlest of things and he told his family EVERYTHING I told him.  I was lonely and depressed always. . .so its probably for the best.  It hurts still, I still cry and miss him. . .but I'm going to be okay.  Just have to continue my search for the real "one". 

The Single Me

All I can really say is the "Single Me" sucks.  I haven't been single since early December and I'm far from used to it.  I've been out a few times since Chris broke up with me and it all feels so weird.  I'm not used to starting from the beginning again and getting to know someone and flirting and playing hard to get and what not.  Its not fun at all.  I don't want to come across as to clingy or like I'm pushing someone away but I sincerely have no clue what I'm doing anymore!! Not to mention I have no clue how to feel about anything.  Right now my heart is covered in lead and surrounded by a fence guarded by raptors and the raptors are surrounded by a mote filled with sharks.  So yeah. . .its not really easy to get in there right now.  I feel almost numb.  I mean, I have feelings for people, I feel happy and what not. . .but its different.  I can't feel pain right now. . .I don't feel especially good, but I can feel okay.  You could murder my bestfriend and I'm not sure I would feel it.  I mean, this is what I asked for, never to feel pain again, but I'm a little concerned about this.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm feeling.  I know I feel strong for getting over him like I did.  I feel scared of letting someone in and letting them hurt me again.  I'm scared that I'm going to push people away due to my fear.  Maybe I started dating too fast but everyone was encouraging me so much to move on. . .maybe I took that a little too literally and started too fast.  Maybe I need to just stop and think for a little while and figure things out for myself.  I have no idea whats going on.  If you're reading this I'm sure you've noticed that even my thoughts are all over the place.  I wish I could see the future because then I wouldn't make mistakes.  I would know what is going to happen.  I don't regret anything that I've done in the past because I've learned (the hard way) from everything I've done, but I'd really like to stop doing that.  I'd really like to sail through the rest of life happily with minor speed bumps.  Here I go off on a tangent. . .back to dating.  I do enjoy it.  I like the attention and I like the feeling I get when I'm with certain people.  I like knowing that people are attracted to me.  I'm just not sure what I'm doing right now.  *sigh* "Passion. . .Confusion. . .Pain. . .Torture. . .and Love. . .and Hate"~Matt Soto (yes, from Nonagon)