You're so Vain, You Probably Think This Blog Is About You

I just want to clarify something.  I understand there could easily be some confusion about the last post that I wrote.  That post. . .Yeah. . .it WAS NOT about Tim.  It was about an ex, but it was not about that ex.  So that should fix some confusion.  I don't want Tim back. . .I'm much more content being single than being in a relationship with someone in the military.  I hold nothing against him and no hard feelings, but I don't want that back.  So yeah. . .just to clarify.  I'm in love with someone else and it took me this long to realize my mistake and to admit my feelings.  I love you. . .and you know who you are. 

A Moment Too Late

I was a moment too late when I realized that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me.  I realized after i pushed you away. . .after I convinced myself that you weren't as special as you truely were.  I realized after I left gashes in your heart with a razor.  I realized after I left you bleeding on the floor.  Then someone else came, cleaned you up, and brought you home.  I was a moment too late when I realized that I loved you more than anything.  I was a moment too late when I realized you were gone. . .forever. . .That you were my life. . .and my air. . .and now i'm drounding in my mistakes.  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to cry.  I don't mean to tell you this now. . .after its already too late, but if I dont say it now it will never get said.  I loved you, and I still do.  You took care of me, and you loved me, and you treated me like I was something special.  I gave that up. . .why??  because i'm stupid?  because I was scared?  I don't know why. . .but I did.  Now its a moment too late and I can't take it back.  All I can do is hope that someday I will get another chance to make it right.  All I can do it hope and pray.

Creature of the Night II

He lurks in the woods.  When he is sure no one can see him, he comes out.  He hids in the dirt.  Under pine cones.  Swarmed by ticks and crickets.  He hides.  Waiting.  He waits for me in the woods.  Under the trees and the moss.  While the rain drizzles down.  He waits.  He waits for me to turn around before he will make his move.  I know he is there.  I feel him.  I anticipate his every move, but I'm still surprised when he does.  Yes. . .he is my creature of the night.  You never turn your back on the creature of night.  I still have my wounds.  He is sure to leave his mark, he always leaves you aching.  But I love him.  I love him because our meetings are rare.  Because he hugs me and holds me tight.  Because he tells me every night that it will be okay.  Because he loves me in the purest and most sincere way possible.  But, like every fictional character, it can never be.  He lives his life in the fairytale and fantasy of my mind. . .but no where else.  So I sit here...yearning, desiring, longing. . .for my creature of the night. . .until I fall asleep and dream. 

Unnamed Emotion

It's an unnamed emotion brewing in my chest.
My heart feels like its moving in styrofoam.
My lungs feel like cling wrap.
My stomach just went on a rollercoaster.
And my head. . .oh my head. . .Its like a never ending nightmare.
My shoulders and chest are heavy.
And my eyes are always damp.
Is the world spinning around me?  It feels that way.
My skin feels creepy crawly, do you know what I mean?
And when I exhale, It feels like I've been holding my breath for an eternity.
Have you felt this emotion?  This unnamed emotion?
Where you always feel like crying, but you're too ashaimed to cry?
You can't get enough air to really breath.
Every movement feels wrong, and uncomfortable?
How long does it last? 
When will it all ware off?
Will it be like this forever? 
I just want to breath.

Being Single

I think I remember why I hate being single, and I prefer being in a relationship. . .he keeps me safe.  He, whom ever he is, keeps me safe, in line, and keeps dangers away from me.  He protects me when I can't defend myself.  He makes the nightmares, and the monsters go away.  He kisses the tears away and holds me in his arms while whispering "it will all be okay."  I'm not always smart about things, and I don't always think. . .he does that for me.  Maybe staying single isn't in my best interest?  Maybe its better for me to be with someone. . .  Not only to keep me safe, but to share things with.  To be, or not to be. . .single.

Wall of Lies

A lie is like a wall.
You are the coward hiding behind it.
You realize the wall won't stand, don't you?
Its not well constructed.
Its fake.
I am the wolf that will blow it down.
You are the pig cowaring inside.
No, in this story the wolf isn't big and bad, and the pigs aren't that intelligent.
Hide behind your damn wall you pig.
You are the scum of the earth, and the best part is. . .you know it.
I'll let you hide like the coward you are because eventually your wall of lies will come crashing down and you will be squashed beneath them.
Sleep well.

You Know What You Did

You know what you did, it doesn't matter how much you lie.
You have to live with yourself.
Can you sleep at night, knowing what you did?
Do you realize what you did?
Did you plan it, or was it a last minute decision?
I wasn't as far away as you think, I was there. 
I remember.
I still see it when I close my eyes.
How could you do that to me? 
Hou could anyone do that to another person?
I feel empty, but flooded with emotion at the same time.
My mind goes back and forth.
I remember, but I don't want to.
I don't want to see it.
Hugs and kisses don't make it better.
They don't take the pain away.
What do I do? 
Do I scream and let everyone hear me?
Do I hide, and pretend to forget?
I don't know. 
I'm lost.

I am a metaphore

I am a butterfly, and my soul is a rainbow. 
I am a star, and my heart is a fire.
I am a waterfall, and my eyes are a window.
I am a metaphore, but my soul will forever be a hyperbole.

Dating

In the last month I have realized that there is a box.  Yes a box.  Where all (most) teenagers live.  In this box, as far as relationships go, there is no such thing as Dating.  You are either in a relationship or you're not.  There is no in between called dating and the majority of my friends and fellow students do not grasp the concept.  They condemn me because I have, in fact, been dating.  I have been seeing a few different people since I've split up with Tim.  One friend in particular called me a slut, when I have done really nothing physically with any of the guys I've been out with.  There are really only 2 guys that I've been really seeing.  I went on one date with a bible humper and that was the last of him and I've been seeing 2 guys for the last few weeks.  I'm not looking to get into a relationship just yet.  I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing as far as college, I'm just out of an "engagement", and I just want to date and have fun and get to know different personalities before I get into another serious relationship.  So while dating: there is no committment, and the option on both sides to see other people. . .is that really that hard of a concept to grasp in high school?? I'm 18 years old and a senior. . .why is that so horrible?? I'm not having sex with every guy I go out with. . .so what the hell?? Whats wrong with dating??  Why don't any (most any) of my friends get this??  GAH CONFUSION!!!

College II

Well its pretty much set in stone that I am going to Oneonta. . .heres my next problem. . .I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!  I don't really want to be a teacher, maybe a psychologist? communications? humanities?  I have no idea.  I know what I like. . .but no stable career (that I know of) supports what I enjoy. I enjoy art, and being creative, and working with people, and most of all I want to help people and influence someone's life. . .any ideas?? Well i've spent a large portion of today googling college majors and looking at the ones that Oneonta offers. . .psychology sounds appealing because I can do so much with it.  Thats the opposite for education because if I major in education I don't really have a choice but to become a teacher. . .with a psychology major I at least have options.  I was reading the possible job options for a communications major and there are a lot of options there as well.  I hate it.  Its so stressful.  All my life I've "known" what I wanted to do, or at least thought I did. . .and had an idea.  Now that its the time that I more or less NEED to know. . .I haven't the slightest clue.  It bothers me that I don't know. . .its not like me not to know.  *sigh*