Friends :D

I dedicate this blog to my friends. I love you guys, every one of you so much and you have all been there for me when I have needed you the most. You were there when Jessie died, and when I've gotten my heart broken. You were there when I just wanted to vent and rant. You were there through all of my rediculous stories and adventures. Most of all, you've put up with me :D. So this is to you guys.
I love my friends very much. Friends are what make life worth living. They make the bad times good and the good times better. I've made some poor choices in friendship in the past, but I am very happy with the friends I have now. I love the times we have spent together, the memories, the laughs, the tears, everything. I love the stories, the silly break ups, our mistakes, and everything we have shared these last few years. So to Cassie, Gabby, Laura, Ashley, Laura, Matt, Chris, Russ, Garrett, Kelly, Brianna, Joanna, Kris, Jon, John, Nick, Marco, Sarah, Creighton, Melissa, Breezy, Donjeta, Mary, Lexi, Jessica, CC, Ciera, Chelsea, Tina, Courtney, Justin (tiny), Albanna, Adam, David, Mark, Rocky, CJ, Josh, Aaron, Andrew, Ari, Brandon, Cyndi, James, Joe, Alex, Larry, Lance and everyone else that I can't seem to think up right now cuz I'm sick and not totally there, this is to you. I love you guys. ♥♥♥

Dreams

So I have a lot of very strange dreams and those of you who I talk to frequently or have sat at my lunch table know exactly what I am talking about. Frequently I have had a lot of nightmares, at least 1 or 2 a week. They are usually all about Chris dying in a car accident. There has only been one occasion where he has died in any other way and in that one he died because he had a seizure. My most memorable nightmare was that I was driving in a different vehical than him and we collided head on. I saw his face just before I hit him and he died on impact. In my dream I went insane because of this. . .I woke up and began crying and I almost couldn't collect myself enought to go to school. I know that I have these dreams because I lost my cousin. They may also be because when I was 10 I watched my grandfather die and when I was like 13 or 14 I watched a man die on the side of the road from a heroin over dose. I know its mainly because of my cousin because that effected me the most.

I've had dreams about my cousin too. After the accident I had frequent dreams about the accident. I saw her face and I saw her close her eyes. I saw things that I don't really want to go into detail about, but that was what I dreamed. Then after a few months went by I started just dreaming about her. Like we would talk and hang out like we would before she passed away. We would play games and giggle. . .Part of me wonders if it was really her. Like she was coming to me in my dreams to make me feel better. I would always cry when I woke up because I would miss her, but I liked the dreams that I had. I wonder if that was her way of communicating with me. I believe that spirits and ghosts are there with us. I don't know if they are always there, or if its just a part of their soul that stays behind or what, but I do believe that they are there. They are just on a different level than us and thats why we can't see them or communicate with them (most of us anyways. Mediums are on a different level too) but I think they find ways of communicating with us, like my dreams for example. I wonder if that was her. I have had dreams in the past that have come true, I've dreamed of people before meeting them and dreamed of things happening before they do. So if I can do that, why can't the dead come to me in my dreams. I believe that dreams are more than just our subconscious. Maybe when we dream we travel to a different world or a different dimension. Dreaming to me is very intersting. We close our eyes and drift away to a place where anything can be real. . .it fascinates me. These are just a few more of my thoughts. . .

Choices

First I would like to say that posting on my blog has changed. . .and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if it will look different to you but it looks different to me. The font and all that is changed and even my setup is different. . .anyways, sorry for my bout of ADD there. This blog is about choices. As I am getting older I am forced to make a lot of my own choices like not only what to wear today, but what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Who do I want to be friends with? Where do I want to go to college? Where do I want to live? Who do I want to be with? Who am I? I am faced every day with more and more choices that I have to make and a lot of them will effect the rest of my life. I'm doing the best I can to foresee the future out comes of all my decisions, but its not easy. (Especially because my frontal lobe isn't developed) I understand that with each decision comes a consequence, and those consequences can be both good and/or bad. I have made decisions which have had both types of consequences and some of the decisions I have made I am not proud of, but I don't really regret any of them because they have lead me to where I am now and I'm happy with that. Some decisions I am being faced with now are difficult for me to deal with. What if every choice I am given, no matter what I choose, hurts someone in someway. What if, even though I'm okay and I'm happy, someone else isn't. Or what if I make everyone else happy, but I'm not. What do I do there? The last thing I want to do is upset someone or hurt someone. I know what pain feels like, I've been hurt a lot in my life time and if I can save someone from feeling any sort of pain I will. I'm sorry for being so vague, I just can't really go into detail at the present time. What I'm saying though, is that no matter what, at some point we all have to make decisions that are going to hurt someone, whether it be you or someone around you. For example, when I made my decision to have Gary adopt me, my fathers parents (my grandparents) we're upset by this decision. I still feel that I made the right decision, but I did have to deal with the consequences and they weren't so nice. There was no way of avoiding that. I try to think before every decision I make, but some times, when things get to be too much, I choose to play it safe. I make decisions that just make everything easier even if they're not the best. Is that wrong? How do you know if you've made a wrong decision if someone, somewhere benefits? Have you made a wrong decision if no one benefits? Is it a right decision if everyone around you is happy when you aren't? This goes back to what is right and what is wrong. What if I feel like I am doing some thing right, and so do other people, but the people surrounding me that are most involved in my life believe its wrong. . .is it really wrong? I honestly hate it when I don't have the support from my friends and family. I've had to deal with that with my choices in religion and my beliefs, my support of gay marriage and their rights, my self expression, and the guys that I have dated. I feel very strongly about certain things such as my religion and I know that a lot of people disagree with me, but I do feel that it is the right decision. How do I know if it really is? Is believing in myself enough? I will leave it at that and let you ponder a bit. This is just something that was running through my mind today while walking through the halls of high school. This is my last year there so I have a lot of decisions facing me right now.

R.I.P Patrick Swayze

Well I just heard the devistating news that Patrick Swayze died.  For those of you who know me, the movie Too Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar was the MAP Party BIBLE!!   I also loved him in Ghost and Dirty Dancing.  He was beyond sexy and truly a mans man.  He died at the age of 57 of pancreatic cancer.  He was an amazing actor, singer, and a songwriter and will be missed especially by all these ladies that loved him.  This is a tribute to him. 










This is honestly the best I could get for Dirty Dancing



RIP Patrick Swayze :(

The Adoption

Well the adoption is finally coming to a close.  All we have left is the court date on Sept 28th.  This is the day that I get my last name changed and accept Gary as my father.  I am really excited but at the same time I feel a little weird.  I keep thinking about calling him "Dad." I mean, I call him dad to everyone else, like I say "my dad" or something to that extent, but when I talk to him I don't call him dad.  I know that he really is my father because he has raised me since I was 5 years old and he has been there when my real father wasn't.  I know this really shouldn't be a big deal, but it does make me feel weird.  I still don't know how I'm going to go about doing it either. . .idk. . .thinking about it makes me nervous.  Anyways I'm getting my last name changed to Oeser, which means I need a new license, SS card, birth certificate, EVERYTHING.  I think when I get my new license I am going to get the "enhanced" license lol.  Then we are going to have a BIG party with beer pong and stump lol!! I like parties, especially big ones, they're fun.  I'm very happy about becoming an Oeser because honestly, thats the family I feel the closest to.  I see at least one of them EVERYDAY!! and I like it.  I am happy with my decision.  I will update more probably on Sept 29th lol.   

The Visit II

Last week I went to visit the love of my life at college again.  He helped me with my homework. . .(Tom helped me as well), we laid in bed and cuddled, called "hat" (for two very short period lmao ♥♥), took 2 walks, played silly video games with his roommates, and talked.  I have to say I don't hate Paul anymore, I don't "love" Paul either for that matter.  I think his personality is different than what I am used to and he doesn't really intend for MOST of what he says to be taken literally.  He actually helped out a lot with the break up and what not, he may be an asshole, but he's not all bad.  Darling is still my favorite.  He is quiet and nice and he doesn't believe he has an accent but I SWEAR HE DOES!!! lol  Tom is also kind of quiet, maybe he isn't searching to just fit in and follow the crowd.  My honest opinion is that he hates to argue in get in the middle of drama and thats why he sometimes just goes alone with what other people say.  That or he just doesn't really care, but I still like him too especially because he helped me with my homework, but I find it funny that he doesn't have his license.  Silly Tom.  I did finally meet James in this visit and I spoke to him briefly.  He doesn't really say much, but he loves video games just like every other nerd in that freaking dorm.  He seemed pretty nice and level headed to me and he actually does his laundry unlike my lovely boyfriend.  Well anyways, as I was leaving I asked chris if he would mind helping me find my way to the thru way because I had never made it out of there myself.  So he said yes with a huff.  We got into an arguement because he made me feel guilty about asking him for help.  For those of you who don't know, I hate driving.  I am petrified of driving especially places that I don't know all that well.  So I actually started to cry because he was being a jerk and giving me attitude and I was sincerely scared about getting lost in Utica.  Then he got even more upset when I started to cry.  So I told him if he was going to be an ass I would find my own way home, but he insisted.  So he went off to his car to help me get home.  I ended up finding a sign that said 90, which is how I had to get home and I took a different route.  I didn't realize that wasn't the way I was supposed to go because chris said he would take me to the first sign and that WAS the first sign.  So he got mad at me about that and then called me back a few minutes later freaking out because during our argument he left his wallet on top of my car.  It wasn't on top of my car when I got home and he searched EVERYWHERE for it, but didn't find it.  I felt guilty, but he didn't blame me.  I took him out for pizza the next day anyways because he had gotten really stressed out and upset about it.  So I tried to make it better.  He was okay for the rest of the weekend.  

Not single anymore, but still vain! :D

What do you think???

School

Well my last, first day of highschool starts tomorrow.  Yay. . .(sarcasm).  I am happy to be a senior, and happy this is my last year, but really its not.  I have 5+ years left of school after this year.  Not to mention I am just sooo ready for this to be over.  I haven't even started school yet and I'm already counting the days to christmas vacation.  Why am I not excited?  I think this year will be great and all, lots of friends, great classes, I love all of my teachers, I'm a senior. . .idk.  I've visited all but one of the colleges on my list and 3 of them I'm going to apply to so far.  It will be 4 if I like this last one.  These are my choices in order:

1. Long Island University C.W Post
2. SUNY Stony Brook
3. SUNY Fredonia

the last school I have to visit is SUNY Oswego so perhaps that will be somewhere on that list too.  I plan to major in psychology and minor in theatre.  I don't know why I can't just be simple and have one major and just stop at my bachelors, but nooo, I have to get my masters and maybe even my doctorate.  Oh well.  I'm done ranting.

The OTHER Confusing Situation

Well, as you all know Chris and I broke up a little over a week ago.  If you had read my previous blogs you know that it was a hard break up and our friendship also went down the tubes.  If you don't already know all of this I suggest you read my blogs starting with "The Fair" to get yourself updated because if you don't you will not understand this blog at all.  Well. . .even if you had read those blogs you may not understand this one.  I'm still confused myself.  Well lets see. . .the other night Chris and I were talking, he was still begging me to be his friend and telling me how miserable he was, and I was still shouting "I DON'T CARE!!!" But when his roommate expressed to me that Chris may not really be over me like I thought I decided to cool it a little.  I believed that because he was the one that broke up with me because he didn't have feelings for me, and then told me that he never did love me, he was going to handle this just fine and get over me really fast.  It confused me that he got upset when he found out I was seeing other guys and begged for my friendship.  But I guess his roommate was right, Chris wasn't over me.  So I decided if that was the case then I wouldn't make the situation harder on him and I would be civil.  So we started talking on aim for a while about different things and it was good.  It was nice to talk to him.  Then we started talking on the phone.  Well we ended up talking for like 4-5 hours.  We talked about our relationship and the break up and he made me realize that I had done things in our relationship that hurt him as well.  He didn't like to tell me what was bothering him so I never really knew when he was hurting or feeling a certain way, but I didn't always make it easy for him to tell me.  It was always on my terms, I would listen when I wanted to and have him tell me when I wanted him too.  That was wrong.  I didn't really realize what I had done until the other night, but if I had thought about it earlier I would have realized it.  So I apologized for having done that.  I hadn't realized how much he had put up with while dating me and I didn't appreciate it until now and I made sure to tell him that.  But its hard for me to know what is bothering him when he doesn't tell me.  There were a lot of times when I would ask for hours what was bothering him and beg to talk about it and he just wouldn't.  We were both at fault.  That doesn't make what he did any better though.  He did still break my heart and lied a lot.  He admitted to me during our conversation that he did love me and always had.   He said that he told me he hadn't so that I would lose hope in getting back together.  He said he was very much confused and he's not even sure why he broke up with me.  He was overwhelmed and confused so he acted with out really thinking about it.  I understand confusion, but what he did. . .idk.  He purposely hurt me, he made me cry, he broke my heart, he made me believe our entire relationship was nothing more than a lie and something for him to do.  Then he changes his mind and tells me that he loves me and all of that was a lie.  So what was the lie? What was true? What am I supposed to believe? Then I asked him if he wanted me back and he said yes.    Can you say whiplash??? I didn't know what to think.  So I told him that we could start over From the beginning.  We could go on our first date again and see where it goes.  I told him that we could start seeing each other, but I was going to keep my dates with other people.  We weren't together yet, but we would be sooner or later.  I told him I didn't trust him and that he needed to figure out what he really wanted.  I told him that if he really did love me and if I was what he REALLY wanted he would have to prove it to me.  He said he was willing to do that.  He said I was the one he loved and the one he wanted.  So I gave him a chance.  We went to the Fonda Fair for our "first date."  He paid for everything and did all he could to make sure I was happy, just like he has always done.  We went on rides, and he won me 7 stuffed animals that I got to carry around all day.  Then at the end of the night, he drove me home and walked me to the door and we shared our "first kiss." His effort was flattering.  He made me very happy that night and even gave me butterflies.  Then he went home and went back to college the next day, but ended up having to come back because my computer had gotten a virus and was destroying itself!!  So he came back and played hero and saved me :D, then he went home again and came back this weekend to see me, take me out to dinner, spend time together.  He asked me out the other night while he was holding me close in my room.  I had no choice but to say yes.  I do love him very much and always have.  I am scared that the reason he wants me back is because he is once again sad, bored, and lonely and he got jealous that I was doing just fine with out him.  I am scared that this is going to happen again.  I'm scared of his intentions and his ability to hurt me, but I trust him.  If he says he won't then I just have to believe him.  I can't go the rest of my life being afraid because any guy could do the samething to me.  But I told him that if he does decide to do this to me again we will be done.  I will not speak to him, I will block him on every device possible and he will be sooo done.  I won't forgive him again.  I'm giving him another chance and its up to him how he is going to take it.  There will not be a next time.  Until then, we are back together and I love him and he swears left and right that he loves me more than anything.  We will see.  Wish me luck. 

The Adoption Lady

The lady for the Adoption did finally show up the other day.  She looked around our house, and spoke to my mom, Gary, and me.  She asked me a bunch of questions about growing up with Gary and made sure it was all my decision to have him adopt me, and not my mother or someone else trying to force me into it.  Then she asked my mom questions about work and how long she has been with Gary and a bunch of personal stuff like that.  She seemed pretty nice despite her unprofessionalism we experienced in the past.  Then she told us she was going to recommend the adoption to the court and write up a report.  She said that all that was left now was the court date and then I'm officially adopted.  I guess they make it look like there was never an adoption.  They make it seem like Gary was always my father.  I have to get a new social security card, license, birth certificate, EVERYTHING.  Its been a long process, but it is finally coming to a close.  :D