Very Inspiring Words

STRONG ENOUGH ~ CHER
I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no-one
And I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

Cause I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
But you don't wanna hear about it
Cause I've been losing sleep
And you've been going cheap
And she ain't worth half of me, it's true
Now I'm telling you

That I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true
I'm telling you
Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough, now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go  
 
THANK YOU CHER FOR THESE VERY INSPIRING WORDS!!!

Goodbye Chris

Well if you have read my last few blogs you know that Chris and I broke up, things were doing okay with me and him as "friends" but that all went to hell last night.  After sending him the letter that you can read below, which I admit was a bit harsh, but for the things he said to me, I dont think it was that bad.  If he can be honest and tell me how he feels while forgetting my feelings I can do the samething.  After reading it he still messaged me and continued to talk to me.  I was fine with that.  I told him he couldn't hurt me anymore and that he meant nothing to me anymore.  I told him he had destroyed all feelings I had for him, and I had forgiven him for what he did so I had no feelings of anger, saddness, or hate, nor did I have feelings of affection.  I told him I was starting to see some of his true colors and that wasn't the type of guy I wanted to be with or have anything to do with.  He kept asking me why I hated him and why I was saying these things,  I told him that I didn't hate him at all.  I didn't want to be on an emotional rollercoaster anymore.  I didn't want him to keep giving me false hope and toying with my emotions.  I wasn't going to let him be in a position to hurt me anymore, I'm done getting hurt.  He told me that he still wanted to be friends, and I told him i honestly didn't think I wanted to be anymore.  He was shocked, he couldn't believe I had the balls to finally say this.  I've never been able to stand up to anyone like this.  I've never been able to just say I'm done and I don't want anything more to do with you.  All my life I've wanted to stand up to my father, but I was never able to.  I've never been able to really let go of things all that well.  Even when I was a child and I would catch bugs and catterpillers I never wanted anyone to take them away from me.  I wanted to keep them in my jar until they died and then I would cry.  I would cry and throw a fit when someone would try to take something like that away from me.  I'm not sure why I've never been good at letting go, but I let go of Chris.  I do feel a lot better now.  I do appologize if I hurt him, that wasn't my intent.  I may have been a little harsh in the way that I worded certain things, but I think they were all things he needed to hear and he was doing the samething to me.  I can admit when I'm wrong, and he can't without getting really upset about it.  I do feel bad because he was saying that he didn't have any friends or anyone that is there for him, and I was the only person really there, but he pushed me away and I'm not going to be there if he is going to treat me like crap and hurt me.  So I'm sorry Chris if I hurt you at all, that wasn't my intent, but I have moved on and you need to just do the same.  :D

Confession

After seeing my last couple posts I realized that I have left some things out.  I cannot go on and let you think that I have been perfect.  I have been far from it.  While Chris and I were together I did make a lot of mistakes.  I'm not perfect and I'm still learning, but the break up and all of this wasn't all of his fault.  I will admit that I did NOT do as much for him as he did for me in the relationship.  We both had different ways of showing affection and in his eyes my way of doing it didn't equal his.  I didn't drive out to see him nearly as much as he drove to see me and I could have done it more.  We only lived 15 mintues away but that was no excuse.  The truth is I HATE DRIVING!! So I did leave that up to him to pay for the gas and do all the traveling and I admit that was wrong.  Towards the end I did admit that and I tried to drive to him more, but it was too late.  My way of showing affection was being there when he needed me, holding him at night, telling him I loved him, spending time with him, and sending him cute messages online.  His was taking me out, buying me things and doing things in that manner.  I didn't do that sort of thing as much and I probably should have just to say thank you and show that I cared.  Once again, I did it more towards the end, but it was too late.  I'm also the type of person that gets stressed out easily and I don't deal with it well.  This is the one that I feel the worst about.  I did take a lot out on him.  When I got angry or upset, or stressed out he was the one that heard about it and had to deal with it.  I tried to appologize when ever it would happen but that wasn't enough.  He always put up with it and dealt with it, and he shouldn't have had to.  I shouldn't have taken it out on him and been such a B-word.  I wasn't perfect and these are the things that I did do in our relationship that I take responsibilty for.  I tried to appologize for everything I did because I knew I did it, but it was either too late or not enough. 

Inspiring words from another friend

"ya i dont blame u....but believe me from pictures ive seen, things u wrote, u rly r everything i want. ur not perfect u dont live the perfect princess life but ur strong and u know whats important uk when to hold grudges when to let ur pride fall to the wayside, u genuinely care about ppl no matter what, i dont think i could ever be as strong as u from what i read. i want someone that will actually truly love me and that will open there heart to me and trust me to never break it....ive had so many relationships with girls that always have someone on the side just incase someone that everything that they did for me always had a reason for it and i want someone that will do something for me just because....like when u made him that video about how u loved him and missed him....thats exactly what i would die for....i havnt dealt with family issues like u have but i put up with bullshit relationships that i thought were everything i thought i wanted....i want a girl that will miss me just as much as i miss them.."

This was written to me from another friend of mine.  This really made me smile and brought tears to my eyes.  Just for an update: I found out chris has been reading my emails and got all upset because I was talking to other guys and was doing so well.  He is very jealous that I have all my friends and family here supporting me and he is alone.  He feels that he has no one and when I tried to be there for him he attacked me.  He told me he felt that I did nothing for him in our entire relationship and pretty much said I was a horrible girlfriend.  He can feel however he wants.  He tried to bring me down and make me feel bad, but I didn't let him. Instead, I thought about it and then wrote him a letter saying : "well i've decided i'm not going to be a push over. i'm going to tell you what i think and how i feel and i dont care what you think or do. go ahead and delete me from my friends and block me on aim, you will just be even more alone. chris you are selfish, you are the only one that matters. you're the type of person that will do something for someone only if you get something in return. you don't appreciate just doing something for someone just because. in fact you dont care about other people at all, its all about you. you want me to be hurting right now because you are. you hate it that i have so many friends and family that are there for me and love me and you're left alone. do you know why you are alone chris? because u push everyone away. you dont care about other people so why would they want to care about u? you have an unapproachable personality. Seriously, no one can make you happy. your father says the same thing. nothing anyone does for you will make you happy, you always want more, its never enough. You didn't care that i was here missing you before we broke up. You didn't care that I wanted to talk to u and I was up waiting al the time. You knew how I felt and you didn't care, you just wanted to have fun. Well it looks like the fun is over and where are you? you are alone. You don't have me anymore to waste your time and to make you feel better about yourself. You don't have anyone but yourself and that is all you will have until you grow up and learn its not all about you. You're a very depressing person and you brought me down a lot. You ruined every event that should have been fun for the both of us. You ruined a lot of things for me but I just let it go, I always just let it go. I'm not letting it go now chris. Chris you broke my heart into pieces and then just kept letting me have it until I couldn' ttake anymore. And then I when i was doing better and starting to see other people you got jealous and decided to try to hurt me. Well you didn't hurt me. I dont care chris. I never hurt u nearly as much as you hurt me. You're pathedic for reading my emails. Thats what you do because your bored? You should be ashamed of yourself. Well I hope you are enjoying your self pity. I'm over you chris and I dont care if you never want to speak to me again. Honestly, I think I feel better now than I did the entire time we were together. No more stress. I can do what I want when I want and so can you. I'm still not blocking you or deleting you because when you realize how much of an ass you are, i'm here for you to appologize, and if you don't i'm still okay with that. I dont care what happens to you chris. I ACTUALLY AND SINCERLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE!! I have soo many people that love me and if you dont, well you're just one person. Have a great life if I dont talk to you again and I do wish you the best."

It may have been a bit harsh, but I was really upset and that truely was how I felt.  If he can try to beat me down and hurt me then I can be honest and tell him what I think and how I feel. 

:D

Okay, so I have this friend.  We've known each other for quite a while actually but we lost contact and hadn't spoken for months.  Well he and I started talking again the day before Chris and I broke up and we've been talking ever since.  We were talking earlier today about my blog and he implied that he wanted me to write a little something on here about him so that is what I'm doing.  I'm not sure if he wants me to say his name or not so I wont I will just call him R because in an email he sent me he called me J lol.  Well R is a very nice guy.  He has really been there for me these last few days.  Every morning he would send me an email or a text just to make me smile and he has been there when I needed him.  I guess I had forgotten how great he was to me.  So thank you R for putting up with me and for being a great friend.  You made me feel like the most special and beautiful person on earth when someone else made me feel like dirt.  :D

This is What I Do When I Feel Good!!

I feel better, so I'm back to my vain self.  Enjoy :D

Readers

Well I don't believe anyone is reading my blog...I believe I am writing just to vent, which isn't really a bad thing but I would like to have or at least know if I do have readers lol especially because I AM THE ONLY ONE FOLLOWING MY BLOG.  So this is for you, if you are, in fact, reading my blog leave a comment.  I'm not totally sure how you go about doing it.  My mother said something about needing MY email. . .I'm not sure why that would matter but my email is punkbabe_rockerchick@yahoo.com
so do this for me. . .if you are reading this, and I hope someone is, leave a comment right here.  You don't have to say anything in particular, you can just say hello.  Thanks!

Things I Want To Do BEFORE I Die!

~Get a Tattoo
~Get Flowers from a "secret admirer"
~Get Married
~Have at least 1 child preferable a girl :D
~See a UFO
~Solve a Mystery
~Travel to at least 3 different countries
~Graduate HighSchool
~Help my younger sister with her first heartbreak
~See my brother get married
~Experience something no one can explain
~Be the first to do something
~Be kissed in the rain
~Have a book published
~Find a career that I love
~Flirt with an elderly man, just to make him smile
~Save someones life

The Fair :(

I've been putting off posting this because it still kind of hurts, but right now I'm feeling sooo much better and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders so I guess this is as good a time as any.  Well this is what happened.  On friday my family and I traveled 2 hours to go to the state fair.  Chris was going to meet us there after his class.  I dropped off my cell phone and his GPS to him on our way up there because his college is on the way that way when he got there he could just text my mom and we could find him.   Well I had been so excited about this event.  The fair is my ideal date: playing games, riding rides, eating horrible food, winning teddy bears. . .Thats what I wanted to do with Chris.  I had been so excited.  Well Chris showed up about 2 hours later than what I had expected, but that didn't really matter because all I wanted was to enjoy the fair with him.  Well after he got there we were talking.  I was telling him how I felt and he was acting sort of funny.  So I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing.  So then. . .I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said "I don't know" but in the form of "yes."  I was shocked, I was so hurt.  Part of me really did know this was coming.  Thats why I made the video and everything because I felt it coming to an end and i wanted to stop it, but I wasn't expecting him to it then.  He knew how excited I was about the fair and how badly I wanted to enjoy it with him.  I begged him not to (I know. . . I'm pathedic. . .I've never begged someone not to go before) Then I felt a panic attack coming on, I didn't want to cry in front of hundreds of people or ruin the fair for my family so I told Chris I wanted to go home.  I told my parents what had happened and they agreed Chris had horrible timing and they felt really bad.  I really wanted to stay, but I didn't want to ruin their fun.  So Chris brought me home.  I had to ride in a car for 2 hours with him and just cry and ask him why and tell him how badly I hurt.  Then he had to stay at the house with me because mom didn't want me alone and I honestly wasn't ready for him to leave yet.  I layed in bed and cried, I wanted nothing more than to die right there.  I told him he was selfish and all he cared about was himself.  I asked him why and he said because he didn't love me anymore and I didn't make him happy.  He told me that for most of it he was happy, but not all of it.  That crushed me.  I felt so horrible.  All I wanted to do was to make him happy, and he didn't.  What made it worse was on Wednesday he had told me that he did love me and that he was happy we were making everything work.  He made it sound like everything was so good and he made me believe he did love me.  He stayed until 11 I think, he fell asleep behind me and I wanted to fall asleep and just let him stay there but he was snoring. . .lol.  I had asked him earlier in one of my crying fits to stay at his house that night instead of going back to college so that I could just see him for a little while tomorrow.  I told him that I needed him and he said that he would be there for me if he could.    He said that he would help me through this.  So he agreed to stay the night.  He told me to wake him up the next morning between 10 and 11 and he would come over and then leave at like 1:30 when I had to go to work.  So I said okay.  Well, the next morning I decided I didn't want to see him.  I had to work that day and I didn't want to cry before work because crying makes me look all puffy, but when 1 o'clock rolled around I really wanted to see him one last time.  So I called him and told him I let him sleep in, but asked him if he would just stop in to work before he left.  He said that he would, and I believed him.  Needless to say he didn't.  I went to work and did all I could to keep it together.  I faked smiles and happy greetings.  As the hours passed I grew more and more depressed because I knew he wasn't coming.  So I called his house just to see if he was still there and his father said he had already left.  Thats when I broke down.  Another lie, and another broken promise. . .nothing more than another disappointment.  I had to leave work early because if I didn't I was going to have a panic attack and I was going to get sick.  I told one of the key holders that I felt sick and he let me leave immediately.  I went home and called my mother to come home because I didn't want to be alone.  She was at our family reunion.  She came home to be with me.  She talked to me and calmed me down because I was hysterical.  She helped me to remember myself and remember my strength.  She helped me realize things and to take a step back.  When I was calm enough I talked to chris.  This is when he admitted to me that he never loved me.  When we had met, I was his first girlfriend.  He was bored and lonely and didn't like to be home.  He never really did much and he wanted some companionship.  Then I came along.  I was his option.  I was the person he could spend every day with and get away from home.  I was something to do.  I was someone that loved him.  I was someone that made him feel better about himself.  He used me for something to do.  Now I can't write this blog and make him seem like a complete asshole even though I would like to.  He was good to me during our entire relationship until we broke up the first time a few weeks ago.  He always treated me well and went out of his way to make and keep me happy.  He went along with what I wanted to do and supported all of my crazy ideas.  He was there for me when I needed him and made me one of the happiest people on the planet for the last 9 months.  So maybe I did live a lie for the last 9 months.  Maybe I did believe in something that wasn't real.  But I was happy. . .and they say never regret something that once made you happy.  and I don't.  I don't regret anything we did together, anything I told him, or anything we shared.  When he admitted this to me thats when I was able to let go.  Thats when I felt better.  I don't know why this made me feel better.  It probably should have made me feel worse.  I think I knew all along this is what our relationship was and the truth. . .made it better?  I don't know but having him admit this to me helped me be okay.  I know it doesn't make sense, at least it doesn't to me, but thats what happened.  So we talked a bit longer and agreed that he's the only one that knows me for me, and I'm the only person that knows him for him.  We agreed that we were more than just a couple, we were bestfriend and even though he did hurt me I will always consider him my bestfriend.  I know what its like to be lonely and to wish for someone to come away and make the pain and loneliness go away so I guess I can't blame him for what he did.  Yes I was used, yes I was lied to. . .but I forgive him because I understand how it feels.  He's just too immature to know what his actions will do to other people.  I'm still too immature to know that.  We decided its best not to talk for a while unless we need to.  We agreed not to delete each other as friends on websites or to block each other.  We agreed to be friends again once this all blows over and we're both able to do that.  I went to bed feeling alone, lied to, used, pathedic, and unloved.  But right now, thanks to all my friends and family, I feel so loved.  He is one person in the world.  I had dinner tonight with 18 family members that love me.  I've gotten support from over 40 people in the last few days, all of which are friends and family.  If I can have 40 people love me, and have one say that he didn't. . .I guess thats okay.  I want to thank my Mom and Soon-To-Be-Dad for being there and talking me through this.  I may be the strong one, but when I'm not you guys are there to hold me up.  I also want to thank Chris's dad and step mom for their prayers and support.  Right now I feel like a weight has been lifted and like I can breath okay for the first time in a while.  I really am going to be okay. 

The Confusing Situation

Over a year ago my mother told my grand parents (my fathers parents) that I wanted my step father to adopt me.  I've always had a very good relationship with them and whenever I would go down to visit my father I always stayed with them.  They were always very good to me and my family.  Well when my mother broke the news to them, that all changed.  My mother told my father that I wanted to be adopted and that all he had to do was pay the child support he owed me (about $5,000) and he wouldn't have to pay another penny.  So he just had to pay what he owed, he didn't have to pay anything while he was coming up with the money or anything while the adoption process was taking place.  I told my mother that I really didn't want anything from him, but she said he owed it to me so I said ok.  So I asked my mother if, with that money, I could get a car and put whatever was left towards college.  So one august morning my grandmother calls me and the first thing she asks is if anyone aside from my little brother and sister were home, and I said no because my step dad and mom were both at work.  She wanted to make sure that they were gone so that she could verbally attack me and break me down because I wanted to be adopted.  She told me things that went on when my father and mother got divorced (I was 5 at the time!) and did all she could to get me turned against my mother.  My grandmother is a very two faced person.  She always tells me that I am more mature than my father and that she is sorry that I have to deal with him.  She also always told me that she always loved my mother very much.  But like I said, she's two faced.  She always gossips with everyone she can, but then she is nice to the person she is gossiping about.  Well she attacked me because my mother wanted the child support from my father and said that I was being bought and sold and accused me of only using my father for money because I had asked to use that money for a car.  She made it sound like the divorce was all my mothers fault and my father did nothing wrong.  She broke me down until I was in tears and then said goodbye.  I immediately called my mother and told her what had happened.  She was very upset and wrote a letter to my grandmother telling her never to contact my mother again and that if I wanted a relationship with her, that was up to me.  I honestly didn't want much of one after that.  I told myself that if she really loved me she wouldn't have done that.  She would love me no matter what and want whats best for me.  Well almost a year went by and I used that time to think about it.  My grandmother can't admit when she's wrong and if she's hurting she wants to bring down everyone that is around her.  She also likes changing the story around so that she looks like the good guy.  So I was sure that she had turned that entire side of the family against me.  In July I wrote her a letter saying that I was over it and I wanted to put everything behind us and be family again.  I told her that I thought about her and my grandfather very often and missed them and loved them.  I'm sure the rest of the family has no idea that she called me up and attacked me and I'm sure she told them that I wanted nothing to do with them or something to that extent.  But a few weeks after sending the letter she called me.  I didn't expect her to admit she was wrong, but instead she continued to attack me.  I told her how I felt this time.  I told her there was nothing I could do to make her happy and that anything my mother did during the divorce didn't concern me.  Eventually she got the hint and changed the subject.  I didn't expect to hear from her after that and I wasn't all that excited to talk to her again either.  I had tried and she didn't want a relationship.  But to my surprise she began calling me just about every other day and she didn't really say much about the money or the adoption.  (I did use 2,600 for a car btw).  She started talking to me just like she used to and telling me that she loved me again.  I don't know if she sees that she was wrong or what, but I'll take it.  I'm happy to have her as my family even if she isn't everything I want her to be.  She is still very good to me and is and will always be my family.  I talked to my grandfather for the first time today in over a year, we didn't get to talk for very long because he had a meeting to go to but he said he would call me back sometime.  I don't know what he thinks or what he was told.  I never intended to upset them when I asked to be adopted.  I thought they would love me no matter what and want whats best for me.  They both know that my father is an alcoholic, a drug addict, and abusive.  I'm happy to have a relationship with them anyway, i'm greatful for what I have.  That is my confusing situation.